Calvin and Hobbes go to Hogwarts
by Swing123
Summary: Calvin and Hobbes are invited to Hogwarts. One can guess the destruction that's about to be caused. COMPLETE! PLEASE R&R!
1. the letter

Chapter 1

the letter

Calvin sat at his desk. a look of total boredom on his face. on his desk a paper with math problems.

All at once he noticed a pecking sound. There at his window, stood a barn owl. a letter tied to his leg.

Calvin opened the window.

the owl flew in, and lifted her leg.

Calvin untied the letter, and the barn owl flew off. Calvin opened up the letter and read it.

his eyes widened.

"HOBBES!" he yelled. Hobbes came into the room.

Calvin shoved the letter in his face. Hobbes read it.

Dear Mr Calvin,

We are please to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed list of all necessary books and equipment. Terms begin on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

There was a long moment of silence.

"what?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin stared at him in disbelief. "haven't you ever read 'Harry Potter'?"

There was another moment of silence.

"No." Hobbes finally replied.

Calvin laughed and ran for his bookshelf. he pulled off six books. each book bigger than the last. he put them on the desk next to Hobbes. Hobbes read their titles.

Harry Potter and the sorcerous stone

Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Hobbes flipped through each book, pausing only to look at the few pictures at the beginning of each chapter.

then he stared at Calvin again, As if waiting for more.

Calvin stared back. the silence was almost unbearable.

"well?" asked Calvin. "well what?'' replied Hobbes. Calvin stared at Hobbes in disbelief.

"Hobbes'' he said. ''we have four weeks till terms start. read the books.'' Hobbes grabbed book

1 and started reading. Calvin finished his math quiz


	2. trouble

_Swing123: I'm going to switch from Calvin and Hobbes to Harry Potter._

chapter 2

trouble

Harry Potter sat alone in his bedroom on # 4 Privet Drive.

He was doing his homework that Snape had given him.

"_Three chopped up frog legs and a pinch of (yawn) newt nuggets._" he thought.

He stared at the clock. Two minutes 'till midnight.

He turned to the empty cage of Headwig, who had been gone for a couple of weeks. He turned back to his homework, and yawned.

He thought of all the horrors that had happened in his life.

His parents dying. Voldemort regaining power, and now, Sirius was dead.

He blinked back tears at the memory of Sirius falling behind the veil, and continued his homework.

Just Then, he heard a clicking sound. He turned. There, at the window, he saw Headwig.

There was a letter tied to her leg.

Harry opened the window, And Headwig fluttered in.

She held up her leg, and Harry untied the letter. It was from Ron.

He opened the letter, and read;

dear Harry,

how are you? I'm fine. Hey, I wanted to tell you, McGonagall and Dumbledore came over to my house today to give mum and dad something to help with the Order of the Phoenix. McGonagall is mad about some new kids, that are coming to the school. Man, you should have seen her. She was mad at Dumbledore for choosing them or something. We heard her say stuff like "this is insane! Those two won't last a week in there," or "I thought we agreed not to take him in after the noodle incident!" kind of strange, huh? Fred or George didn't know what to make out of it. And Ginny was just completely stumped. So there's that, and I also wanted to tell you, that me and dad are gonna pick you up next week. See you later.

Ron

Harry stared at the note.

"_What two kids could make McGonagall so mad?_" he thought.

Harry decided to give up his homework, and go to bed.

He climbed into messed up bed, and soon fell asleep.

Lord Voldemort stood in the middle of a graveyard.

Harry lay unconscious on the ground.

Beside Harry two figures one taller than the other.

"You are very powerful for first years." snarled Voldemort. "But you will not last long."

The shorter one laughed.

"None can defeat the all mighty STUPENDOUS MAN!" he said. "Your attempts are futile, you fiend!"

Voldemort laughed, and raised his wand "CRUCIO!" he screamed.

Both figures fell to the ground, twitching.

Voldemort laughed inanely. That infernal laughing! It seemed to cut right into Harry.

Harry woke up screaming.

His scar had just burst. Blood trickled down from his forehead.

He rubbed the blood off with a handkerchief he happened to have.

His scar had never burst like that before.

Harry felt confused.

Who were those people?

He didn't sleep again, for the rest of the night.

The next day, he walked over to the table in the Dursley household.

He sat down, and Aunt Petunia put a bowl of oatmeal next to him.

They were still mad about having to be nice to Harry because of Moody's threat.

Then Harry remembered. "Um, Uncle Vernon?" he asked

"what?" Uncle Vernon snarled. "My friend, Ron is coming to pick me up this week."

Uncle Vernon stared at Harry. "You mean those red haired people?" he asked.

"Yes" yawned Harry. "They're coming on Monday."

"whatever." replied Uncle Vernon, and he continued to read the newspaper.

Dudley stared at Harry as if he were a cobra ready to strike.

Harry ignored him.

"Harry!" Petunia yelled. "Have you been picking at your scar! Quit bleeding on the table!"

Harry sighed, and wiped the blood off.

About a week later on Monday later, a red Toyota car came FLYING into the drive way.

Harry knew they didn't like driving a car, or a flying car for that matter, they would rather go through floo powder, but Percy, the oldest Weasley, and the only one who had betrayed them, had shut off their connection from the floo network.

Harry rushed out the door. happy to be away from the Durseys.

He climbed into the rental Mr Weasley had gotten, and they drove off.

"Hello, Harry." Mr Weasley said. "How are you?"

"Fine, thank-you." Harry said. Ron turned to Harry. A look of shock on his face.

"Harry, your scar is bleeding."

The Toyota stopped suddenly. Harry's stomach lurched.

Mr Weasley turned around.

Harry looked around.

He couldn't get the blood to stop coming out, so most of the time he wore a kind of turban. And whenever he looked at himself in the mirror, he reminded himself of Professor Quarl from his first year.

"Here." said Mr Weasley. He held his wand up to Harry's forehead.

"_Healishus_" the blood diapered, and the opening on the scar sealed.

"How did that happen?" Ron asked.

Harry told Ron about his dream.

Ron stared at him.

"Stupendous man?" he asked.

"Who the heck is Stupendous man?"

Harry shrugged.

"Do you think you were seeing into the future?" Ron asked.

Harry shook his head.

"I don't think so. Nobody has ever come with me when I face Voldemort. The ones that do are always killed."

Ron stared at Harry.

"Well, I'm stumped." he said. "Maybe it was just a regular dream."

Harry shook his head again.

"Then why did my scar burst?"

Ron didn't answer.

Nobody said anything else throughout the entire trip.


	3. They Leave

Chapter 3

they leave

Hobbes zipped through book one.

When he was finished, he walked over to Calvin and said "_got it_"

Calvin grinned. "okay now read the other five."

Hobbes read all the others and with time to spare.

"OKAY HOBBES!" yelled Calvin. ''lets go!''

Hobbes frowned. "won't your mom not want you to go to England to learn magic?" he asked.

Calvin's smile wilted "Oh yeah'' said Calvin ''she barley lets me stay at the house without magic.''

Calvin thought for a long moment.

Then grinned again. "simple!" he yelled.

He ran over to the closet and took out a large cardboard box.

Hobbes' eyes crossed.

''oh no you don't!" he yelled. ''the other two times you duplicated yourself, it resulted in udder disaster!''

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"I only duplicated myself then. if I duplicated you to..." Calvin rolled his eyes around. "you could keep him in order."

Hobbes' eyes widened and he gasped as if Calvin had gone insane.

"duplicate ME?!?!" he screamed. "are you mad?!?!"

Calvin glared at Hobbes. "I've done it twice before. it doesn't hurt!" said Calvin

"that's not what I'm worried about." said Hobbes.

Calvin pulled a can of Tuna out of his pocket.

Hobbes' eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

''on second thought'' said Hobbes eyeing the tuna. "I think I can pull it off."

Hobbes climbed into the Duplicator. Calvin pushed the button.

boink.

Hobbes stepped out. then Hobbes' duplicate stepped out.

"now gimme my tuna!" yelled Hobbes.

"oh no you don't" said the Duplicate.

"I think **I** should get the Tuna"

Calvin threw the can out his window.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!" both Hobbes' yelled.

"I did that so you would Duplicate yourself."said Calvin as he stepped into the box.

boink.

Two Calvins stepped out.

"ok Hobbes," said Calvin "here's the plan..."

"HEY!" yelled the duplicate "why do YOU get to go to Hogwarts and I don't?"

"cause you didn't get a letter." said Calvin crossing his arms and sticking out his tongue.

"I AS GOOD AS! I'M YOU!" screamed the duplicate

"HA!" snorted Calvin "you're just a stupid duplicate! your intelligence is no where near mine!"

The duplicate's face turned a deep shade of red.

"what makes you so sure?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"because." replied Calvin. "the first time I did this, you got sent to the principle office everyday! EVERYDAY!"

The duplicate's bottom jaw dropped two inches.

There was a long moment of silence.

Then the duplicate jumped Calvin.

The two rolled around on the floor for a couple of minutes and fought as Hobbes and his duplicate watched.

At last Calvin got the better of the duplicate, and shoved him in the closet.

"ok Hobbes!" said Calvin locking the door. "now here's the..."

Calvin stopped and stared at Hobbes' duplicate suspiciously.

"do I have to shove YOU in the closet too?" he asked.

The duplicate of Hobbes didn't answer.

Instead he walked over to Calvin's bed, and began to read Calvin's comics.

Calvin turned back to Hobbes.

"ok! I'll turn off the time travel device on the time machine, and then we can zoom around the earth at whatever speed we choose without hitting a time warp!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

He never did like going into that box.

"meanwhile, while we're learning magic tricks, these two duplicates will pose as us! so mom and dad won't get suspicious!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes again

"Lets go!" Calvin yelled as he flipped the Duplicator over, making the time machine.

He turned off the time travel device, and Hobbes jumped in.

They were just about to blast off, when all at once, a loud CRACK echoed through the room.

"CALVIN QUIT BANG AROUND!" Calvin's mom called up to them.

Calvin turned his head. There standing in the middle of the room, was a small, house elf.

Calvin's eyes widened. "HEY!" He yelled. "I know you! Your that house elf, named Bobby, that used to belong to Snape."

the House Elf stared at him.

"The name's Dobby, sir, and I used to belong to the Malfoys!" he said.

Hobbes rolled his eyes skyward.

"Ah, yes," he said. "Boddy the house elf." Dobby glared at Hobbes.

"DOBBY, sir! DOBBY!" he yelled. "I must tell you, sirs, you must NOT start Hogwarts this year!"

Calvin stared at him. "I've waited all my life for a letter like that! I'm not letting a stupid Santa's little worker stop me!" he said.

Hobbes rubbed his chin.

"Has the Chamber of Secrets been opened, again?" he asked.

Dobby shook his head and bit his lip.

"Is there a gas leak?" Calvin asked, eagerly.

Dobby shook his head again, and began to twiddle his fingers.

"WELL WHAT IS IT!" they both yelled at the same time.

Dobby rolled his eyes upward.

"It is very complicated. Dobby doesn't know where to start."

Calvin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, that's what you said in the second book. NOW LETS HEAR WHAT THE HECK YOUR TALKING ABOUT!!"

Dobby made a worried look, and said,

"Calvin and Hobbes will..." Dobby didn't finish, because Calvin got sick of waiting.

The two rose into the air, and blasted off out the window.

Dobby rushed over.

"NO! SIRS MUST NOT GO!"

But Calvin and Hobbes were gone.

Dobby turned around.

"why are you so worried about them?" the Hobbes duplicate asked.

"Because, there is a plot! Hobbes and Calvin are part of it! Harry Potter AND them are in great Danger, sir!"

And with that, he disappeared with another CRACK.

The Duplicate of Hobbes let the Calvin Duplicate out off the closet.

"OK NOW TO FINISH WHAT I STARTED!"

but he was to late.

The Calvin Duplicate grumbled as he stalked down the stairs.

Calvin and Hobbes were off to Hogwarts.


	4. Santa's on the roof Not Really

chapter 4

Santa's on the Roof. (Not really)

"We're here." said Mr Weasley. Harry stared out at the burrow.

Harry and Ron got out.

the three walked into the house.

Hermonie was already there, Reading a text book.

Harry walked in, and slumped into a chair next to Hermonie.

Ron sat down in a chair next to Harry.

"Hello Harry." Hermonie said, brightly, putting her text book aside.

Harry grunted.

Hermonie stared at them. "You both look like you haven't slept in weeks. What's going on?"

Harry repeated the dream for Hermonie who looked confused.

"I didn't know anyone had the courage to stand up to Voldemort."

Ron winced.

"Neither did I." said Harry. "They can't be very smart."

"Did the tall one say anything?" Ron asked.

Harry shook his head. "He just stood there."

"Could you make out any details?" Hermonie asked.

Harry shook his head again. "All I could see was a spiky head for the shorter one, and teeth glistening on the taller one. All their features were darkened."

Ron stared at Harry. "Do you think that those two were death eaters?" he asked.

Harry shook his head for the third time. "Voldemort called them first years. Maybe they're first years at Hogwarts."

Ron snapped his fingers. "That's it! Remember those two people McGonagall was raving about?"

Hermonie nodded.

"Maybe it was them."

Harry shook his head yet again. "I doubt that those kids would be so dumb as to scream Voldemort." he said.

Ron crossed his arms. "Then who the heck were they?" he asked.

Harry shrugged.

Hermonie shrugged. "I think you should tell Lupin and the other people in the Order. They're here right now." she said.

At that very moment, Lupin came into the room. He still looked very pale. The way he did after Sirius' death.

"Hello, Harry." He said weakly.

Harry nodded.

Lupin came over and sat down next to him. "How was were summer?" he asked.

Harry rolled his eyes.

Lupin smiled. "I have all of your results for the O.W.L.s." he said.

He handed Harry, Ron, and Hermonie each a letter.

Harry opened his. He had gotten a 6,000. Harry's eyes widened. He had done THAT good?

"Oh, and Harry?" Lupin asked. Harry looked up.

"You have...um... inherited Buckbeck. He's in the back yard, right now."

Harry nodded, slowly. Lupin stood awkwardly in the room for a moment, then said, "hey! I got a letter from Dumbledore! He says he's having a hard time finding a new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher. Nobody seems to want to do it since Umbridge fled."

Harry nodded and grinned. The best memories Harry had with their last Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was the news that she had fled the Hospital wing, and never seen again.

"So," Lupin continued. "I got him someone. Someone not too bright."

Harry blinked. "Who?" he asked.

"I'm not gonna tell you THAT!" Lupin exclaimed. "But here's a hint: he hasn't graduated from Muggle Elementary school."

everyone stared at him.

Lupin snickered "you're gonna have a lot fun this year, Harry." and with that, he left the room.

There was a long moment of silence.

"He hasn't graduated from Muggle Elementary school, and he's gonna be OUR Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?" Ron exclaimed.

Before Harry could answer, a loud THUMP sounded on top of the roof.

Everyone looked up. From the roof top, came a whiny, insane, and hyper-active voice. Yup. It was Calvin.

"OH COME ON! YOU STUPID BOX! GO!"

then the more calmer voice of Hobbes sounded.

"Did you check the gas?"

"OH SHUT UP!" Calvin shot back. "I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!"

there came a sound much like a engine turning over, but not starting.

"WHY I OUGHTA..." Another THUMP sounded. Indicating that Calvin had just jumped out of the Time Machine.

Calvin kicked the box, and the engine started. "There we go!" Calvin yelled.

Harry, Ron, and Hermonie were coming outside, but before they could get a good look up at the roof, exhaust from the time machine hit them all in the face, and then, the box holding one insane 6-year old, and a clam tiger, sped off.

Harry didn't see them again. Untill September 1st, that is.

Later that day, Harry cleared his throat, and said; "what was it that Dumbledore bring to help with the Order of the Phoenix?"

"A tracking device." Said Ron. "They're looking for Voldemort."

Harry nodded.

Just then Mrs. Weasley came into the room. "Come on Ron, it's time to get your school supllies. Hello Harry, dear. Come on Ron, I'll take you, Harry, and Hermonie to Diagon alley. STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES AT ME!" and with that, Mrs. Weasley led them away. Not

knowing what Adventures awaited them ahead.


	5. Shop of Pranks

Chapter 5

the shop of pranks

"WHAAHOO!" screamed Calvin waving his arms around, and flying at hyper speed toward London.

Hobbes leaned over the side of the box, and barfed.

Calvin glared at him. "Hobbes! Please, stop rocking the machine!" he said "you're the one rocking the stupid time thing, not me!"

Calvin glared at Hobbes

"Hobbes," he said "please be quiet and..."

"LOOK OUT FOR THAT TREE!" Hobbes screamed.

Calvin jerked the wheel upward, and they went soaring back up into the sky.

Calvin glared at Hobbes. "Hobbes, please just be quiet, and let me drive!" he said.

Hobbes snorted a laugh. "You can't drive! That's why we almost crashed into that tree!" he said.

"Do you want to drive?" Calvin asked offering him the steering wheel.

"Um, no." said Hobbes.

"Then shut up." Calvin continued on the flight.

Hobbes closed his eyes, and held onto the box with both hands.

Calvin ignored him this time.

"Ok" he said looking at the list. "We need a wand, first of all."

Hobbes grimaced at thought of Calvin having a wand.

"We need to go toooooo... Olive's wand shop."

Hobbes knew that the guy's name wasn't Olive, but he didn't want to argue with Calvin.

Calvin and Hobbes landed next to the Leaky Cauldron.

"According to the books..." Calvin said, looking at the first one. "Oievles' wand shop is in Diagon Alley, which is in here."

Calvin and Hobbes got out.

they walked into the shop, and into the place where Diagon Alley started.

Calvin studied the brick wall. "How do you suppose you get in?" he asked Hobbes.

Hobbes shrugged. "I thought there was some kind of brick that you had to touch to get it to open up."

Calvin ran his finger over the wall "I sure don't see anything." he said.

Hobbes picked Calvin up.

"HEY! PUT ME DOWN, YOU MANAGING FELINE! HEY, HELP! HELP! HELP!"

Hobbes carried Calvin to the back of the room. And threw him at the wall.

"AAAAAAAAAAAA!"

BONK!

Calvin's head came in contact with the wall, and the door way opened.

Calvin spent the next few minutes screaming at Hobbes.

But soon, he had to knock it off, and continue with the requirements that they required.

Calvin came to a building called Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

Calvin stared at it, then grinned evilly. Hobbes attempted to pull him away from the shop, but Calvin forced himself in.

Calvin looked around the shop. There were so many things there, it was uncountable.

Calvin grabbed a never-get-bigger-bag, and started shoving things into it.

Including Dung bombs, itching powder, fake wands, and fake potato salad.

Soon, Calvin walked over to the desk.

"That will be 15 Galleons." said Fred.

Calvin's grin wilted.

"Uh-oh." he said "do you take magical credit cards?"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

Fred stared at him.

"You're a first year, aren't you?" said George.

Calvin and Hobbes nodded.

"Fist years always start off with 100 Galleons in the bank." said Fred. "You go over there, to get your money, and we'll keep your stuff here."

Calvin grabbed Hobbes by the arm, and led him outside.

"Calvin you need that money to buy your requirements!"

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"Hobbes, stuff like that is VERY necessary! Now get into the time machine! We gotta bank to hit!"

Hobbes sighed, and climbed into the time machine.


	6. Terrible Sadness

Chapter 6

Terrible Sadness

Harry, Ron and Hermonie walked down the road into Diagon alley.

They had already picked up most of their stuff.

And now, there was just the books they needed.

"What's this?" asked Ron staring at the book list. Harry and Hermonie turned their heads, and stared at the list.

"How to defeat evil boogers, by Sall Deen." read Ron. "The terror of denture wear, by Sall Deen. Barf: top of the food group, by Sall Deen And, Earwax... good or bad? By Sall Deen"

seconds passed as they stared into list.

"**O-**kay" said Hermonie. "Who the heck is Sall Deen?"

It was then that they noticed a machine flying toward them at a high rate of speed.

Harry, Ron and Hermonie spun around, screamed, and ducked.

The machine ripped over their heads.

Harry heard someone inside screaming, and someone laughing.

Ron stared after the machine.

"What was THAT!" He yelled.

The three watched as the machine scattered people, then rounded the corner.

Hermonie coughed on the exhaust that the machine put out. "I don't (cough) know." she said.

"Come on" said Ron. "Let's get our stuff."

They turned to go, when they heard a scream.

They stopped.

"let go of the time machine you old hag!" screamed Calvin's voice.

"AAAAA!" screamed the voice of the "old hag". "AAA! AAA! It's them! The forbidden ones!"

"SHUT UP, AND LET GO, YOU HORRIBLE MISTAKE!" cried Calvin.

"I really think you should try saying please." suggested Hobbes.

"And I really think you should jump naked into pool of piranhas!" Calvin snapped back.

Harry, Ron and Hermonie exchanged glaces.

"LET GO!" Calvin continued. "OK, BUDDY! YOU ASK FOR IT! BLEEEEE!"

The "old hag" screamed again. "HE SPIT ON ME! HE SPIT ON ME! I'M CONTAMINATED! SOMEONE DISINFECT ME!"

Calvin laughed insanely, and then zoomed off again.

that night, Harry lay in a sleeping bag at the bottom of Ron's bed.

He stared at the ceiling.

Just then he heard someone whisper something.

Harry sat up.

Ron was asleep.

Hermonie was asleep.

Harry stared at the door.

the whispering sounded again.

Harry crawled out of his sleeping bag, and tiptoed to the door.

he opened it.

A large picture lay on the floor.

Harry picked it up.

His eyes widened, and hands shook. He looked around the hallway.

Nobody was there.

He stared back down at the picture.

There in the large 12X6, was a picture of Sirius Black.

He waved a hand up to Harry, and formed the words. "Hello Harry." with his mouth.

He grinned up at Harry.

And Harry stared in wonder at the picture.

Was it possible?

It was then that Harry woke up.

He was in his sleeping bag.

His scar throbbed, and he missed Sirius more than ever before.

_Next chapter:_ Calvin and Hobbes hit Gringotts.

P.S. In later Chapters, Calvin's gonna find out what TRULY happened to Sirius.


	7. Grings Gots lots

Chapter 7

Gring gots lots.

Calvin and Hobbes flew over Harry, Ron, and Hermonie at a high rate of speed.

But neither noticed.

Calvin and Hobbes had made so many people scatter, that the three people that Calvin and Hobbes were exited to meet, were just another group of people for Calvin to spread.

Hobbes sat in the back screaming, while Calvin laughed his head off.

Just then, a tall skinny woman grabbed the side of the Time machine, and screamed.

"HEY!" Calvin yelled as the Time Machine came to a sudden stop. "let go of the time machine you old hag!"

"AAAAA!" the woman screamed. "AAA! AAA! It's them! The forbidden ones!"

"SHUT UP, AND LET GO, YOU HORRIBLE MISTAKE!" cried Calvin.

"I really think you should try saying please." suggested Hobbes.

"And I really think you should jump naked into pool of piranhas!" Calvin snapped back.

"LET GO!" Calvin continued. "OK, BUDDY! YOU ASK FOR IT! BLEEEEE!"

The "old hag" screamed again. "HE SPIT ON ME! HE SPIT ON ME! I'M CONTAMINATED! SOMEONE DISINFECT ME!"

Calvin laughed insanely, and then zoomed off again.

"Why do you suppose she was doing that?" asked Hobbes.

"Don't know. Don't care." Calvin replied.

"First Dorbby comes up and warns us of an evil plot, then that woman held us back. And she called us 'the forbidden ones' that's kinda weird."

"Mmm-Hmmm" said Calvin losing interest in the conversation. "Now where were we?"

Calvin stopped.

"Hobbes did you notice that?"

"What?" asked Hobbes.

"That phrase: Where were we. That has a suspicious ring to it. Say, do you think we could make a song out of it? Where were we, where were we, and were we spending pennies?"

"Forget it." said Hobbes as the Time Machine bolted across the alley.

When the Gringgots bank came into view, Calvin pulled on the emergency brakes.

The machine suddenly stopped, and Hobbes went flying out.

He hit the wall of the bank, and collapsed to the ground.

Calvin gave him a sneer. "And that," he said. "Is why we wear seat belts"

Hobbes came up, his hair bristled, and his eyes flaming.

He jumped into the middle of Calvin who had just gotten out of the time machine.

The two rolled around in the ground. Afterward, they both were covered in scabs, and cuts. They walked into the bank, where Calvin instantly remembered. "This place is full of MONSTERS!" he yelled.

Hobbes stared wide eyed at the goblins that ran the bank.

Hobbes turned to Calvin. "Ok Mr Harry-Potter-expert, what do we do now?"

Calvin stared in Horror at the goblins.

All at once his tongue was stuck to his mouth. "Llllp lumm, yummm, geeee, aaa. Reeeee, honannn" he said.

"What?" asked Hobbes.

"I said, help! This is getting out of hand!"

each and every Goblin looked up.

"Ok Hobbes, here's the plan" said Calvin. "We'll deny everything, We'll deny anything about Hogwarts, Harry Potter, or even our existence! This is really a movie. The movie's over and..."

thump.

Calvin turned around.

Hobbes had fainted.

Calvin glared at him, and slowly approached the main desk.

The Goblin stared down at him.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Hobbes, I mean Calvin, I mean... I'm not sure."

The goblin sighed, and flipped through the records book.

"Calvin... isn't it?" he asked.

"Geeeek! AaaaCK! EEEEEE!" replied Calvin.

"Do you have your key?"

Calvin rolled his eyes around. "well, I once took my dad's car keys."

every eye stared at the insane six year old.

Calvin reached into his pocket and pulled out a key.

"Heh, heh. Well what do ya know? A key! How convenient!"

"Griphook, take idiot and his dog to his vault." said the Goblin.

Calvin grabbed Hobbes' arm, and dragged him to the railroad.

Griphook, Calvin and Hobbes climbed into the car, and then, at hyper speed, they sped off.

Hobbes screamed, and Calvin laughed.

"Vault 649" said Griphook.

He opened the vault, showing three piles of coins."

Calvin shoved them into his bag, and raced out of the bank. With Hobbes close behind.

"Ok, now lets get our stuff." Calvin said.

"ok." said Hobbes taking out the list. First, you need a wand."

"No!" Calvin yelled. "First, I need that prank stuff! Get into the Time Machine, you fur ball!"

Hobbes sighed, and climbed into the Machine. After Calvin picked up his prank stuff, he and Hobbes went out for a wand.

"Here we are, Hobbes," said Calvin "Boliveanders' wand shop!"

Hobbes sighed, and stared at the sign on the building with the words "Olivander's wand shop."

he walked into the shop with Calvin.

A man was waiting at the desk.

"Ah, I was expecting..." he began but Calvin cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time! Let's just get the dumbbell wands!"

Olivander coughed, and walked to get a box. He brought back a wand.

"Try this one."

Calvin grabbed it, and swished it through the air.

BANG!

A blast of fire shot out, and blasted the door off.

It took awhile to realize what happened. But when he found out, his mind came up with a devilish plan.

Calvin grinned an evil grin.

Olivander squinted his eyes and said,

"ok, try this one"

swish.

BANG!

Another blast of fire shot from the wand. This one hit above the door, and the sign fell off.

"Try this." said Olivander.

Swish,

BANG!

This one came inches from hitting Hobbes.

It went on like this for several minutes.

Until he gave Calvin one more wand.

"Try this one."

and with that, he dove under the desk, and put his hands over head.

Calvin grinned evilly again, and held the wand up.

He brought it down, and it red sparks flew from it.

"Hey!" yelled Calvin "where's the blast of fire, and total destruction of the shop!"

Olivander lifted his head.

"Oh-well." said Calvin to the store owner. "But now you gotta do Hobbes!"

Olivander's head spun around to Hobbes who grinned.

"AAAAAAAAA!" yelled Olivander, and he shoved a pile of wands into Hobbes' arms.

"Here! they're all free!" he said, and then, he ran off.

Hobbes took the FIRST wand in the pile.

It gave off red sparks.

The two walked out of shop, and started toward the time machine.

"Ok." said Hobbes outside the shop. "It says here that students are allowed to have a cat, rat, toad or owl."

"Hmmm." said Calvin. "I already have a cat. Ewww, I don't want a rat! That would be disgusting! So would the toad. Who wants a pile of warts for pet?"

Hobbes spotted Nevil Longbottom. He was staring at Calvin as if he was insane.

"Ok" said Hobbes. "An owl it is then."

Calvin and Hobbes walked to the place where you buy pets, and studied the owls there.

"This barn owl looks cool." Calvin said. Hobbes stared at a big, beat up barn owl.

He had a eye patch, and peg leg.

"Ugh." Hobbes said. "I'm going to choose a snowy owl, like Harry."

"Hey mister!" Calvin yelled "how much for the cool barn owl?"

the store manager looked up. "That owl's been here for a long time, nobody can touch him. He'll bite your finger off."

"COOL!" Calvin yelled.

He held his hand up to the barn owl.

It lovingly chirped, and nibbled his finger.

"You were saying?" Calvin asked.

The manager's mouth dropped open.

"You're just a harmless little owl, aren't you?" Calvin cooed. "Yes you are, yes you are."

Hobbes walked up to Calvin with a snowy owl on his shoulder.

"That will be five galleons." the store manager said. Calvin's face went blank.

"Wuh-oh." he said. he peeked into his pocket.

Empty.

"Hmm." Calvin observed. "I guess I shouldn't have bought so many dung bombs."

"No deal then." said the manager, crossing his arms.

Calvin's head turned to the owl. It chirped, and stared at him.

Calvin's head turned back to the greedy manager.

"ATTACK MY PET!" Calvin screamed.

The manager's eyes popped open.

The barn owl leaped from Calvin's shoulder, and started to peck at the manager's head.

"AAA! AA! NO! YOU CAN HAVE HIM! HELP!"

The insane six year old took his sweet time calling the equally insane bird off the manager.

But soon, Calvin's fun had to come to an end, and he had to continue with his shopping.

"Ok." Calvin said. "now we need some books."

Calvin stared at the book list.

"What the..." Calvin stared at the list. "Who the heck is Sall Deen, and why would a publishers company print THESE?"

Hobbes stared the books needed.

"Hmmm." he said. "do you see the copyrights?"

Calvin stared at the copyrights.

"E-GAD!" he yelled. "2097! THIS IS 2005!"

"He must have no sense of time." Hobbes said.

Calvin blinked.

"Publishy publishing company? What kind of deranged maniac would name a publishing company THAT?" he exclaimed.

"Probably the deranged maniac who wrote these books." said Hobbes.

"Okay." Calvin said. "let's just get the books, and leave."

(Later)

"To the Hogwarts Express!" Calvin yelled, then he and Hobbes dove into the machine, and took off.


	8. The Hogwarts Express

Chapter 8

the Hogwarts Express

Harry didn't sleep at all that night. He kept thinking about the dream.

Was Siris's ghost trying to say something him?

The next day, the Weasley household was rushing with people.

Ron, Harry, Hermonie and Ginny were trying to get ready for the Hogwarts Express, Mr and Mrs. Weasley were trying to get them ready, and Fred and George were running around just for the heck of it.

At last, they made it to the Kings cross station.

At that exact same moment, Calvin and Hobbes were flying at light speed toward the wall between platforms nine and ten.

Harry, Ron, Hermonie, and Ginny raced through the wall.

Ten seconds later, Calvin and Hobbes flew in.

"EMERGENCY BREAK!" Calvin screamed to Hobbes. "MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBELT IS SECURELY SECURE!"

Hobbes checked, and Calvin slammed onto the breaks.

Both stopped.

However this time, Hobbes didn't go sailing out.

They jumped out of the box, and carried it into the Hogwarts Express.

"Lets see here." Said Calvin, "where to sit?"

"Let's look for Harry Potter, and sit next to him." said Hobbes.

"Say, good idea Hobbes."

Calvin dragged the time machine around, looking for Harry.

Who was in the very back of the train.

Along the way, Calvin and Hobbes ran into Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy stared at him.

"Who are you?" he snarled.

Calvin, recognizing Malfoy, screamed

"EAT HIM, EAT HIM!" Calvin turned to Hobbes.

He stared at Calvin as if asking "now?"

Malfoy and Crab and Goyle laughed.

Malfoy raised his wand. "First years are always fun to play with." he said.

"_Densaugh..._"

but Calvin cut him off.

He grabbed his wand and yelled "_hocus pokus_!"

four sets of eyes stared at Calvin as if he was insane.

Then Malfoy began his spell again.

"_Den..._"

"Abracadabra! Hocus cadabra! Abraca pokus! Hocus Pokus! Atlanta, Georgia!"

Calvin screamed, waving his wand in every direction.

Hobbes, Malfoy, Crab, and Goyle stared at Calvin in disbelief.

Malfoy and his gang, stepped away, as Calvin continued to scream "monkey! Chicken! Turkey! Lion!"

"Calvin, they're gone." said Hobbes.

Calvin opened his eyes and stopped babbling like an idiot.

"I knew that, Hobbes." Calvin said. "Now then, where is that darn Harry?"

Calvin and Hobbes continued their search. Then Calvin saw someone coming.

"Oh boy!" he said. "it's Nevil! I love how everyone hides his toad in his shirt."

Calvin whipped out his wand, and pointed it at Nevil.

Hobbes rolled his eyes as Calvin chanted; "puty toady iny littley shirty" over and over again.

Nevil stared at them as he passed by.

"Calvin, my friend," Hobbes said, patting Calvin on the shoulder. "I think even NEVIL is better at spells than you."

Calvin ignored him, and continued down the train.

Then Calvin saw someone else.

"We-E-ell! Look at that!"

Hobbes looked. Cho Chang was walking down the train with her new boyfriend.

Calvin grinned evilly. "Bwa ha, ha, ha" he said twiddling his fingers.

Calvin whipped out his wand, and pointed it at Cho.

"This one's for GROSS!" Calvin yelled.

Cho and her boy friend turned their heads and stared at Calvin.

Hobbes rolled his eyes, and backed up into a shadow so nobody could see him with Calvin.

"AGEING COCONUT!" Calvin screamed.

Nothing happened.

Calvin blinked.

"Ok." he said. "how about, DROOLING MONKEY!"

nothing happened.

Calvin sighed.

"Ok then."

Calvin reached into his never get bigger bag, and pulled out his vicious owl.

"ATTACK MY PET!" Calvin screamed, pointing at Cho and her boy friend, who at the moment were staring at Calvin as if he was insane.

The owl's head shot around and fixed on the two love birds.

It stared at them with it's one, red, eye ( remember, it had an eye patch on the other eye).

It let out a screech, flapped it's wings and took off snapping it's beck at the two sixth years.

They screamed, and ran away.

The owl was about to go after them when Calvin called; "WHOA, TIGER! WHOA!"

The owl hooted, and flew back to Calvin.

"That gave me an idea on what to name you." Calvin said. "I'm going to name you 'Flaming Death'! Or just 'FD' for short."

Calvin turned to Hobbes. "What are you going to name YOUR owl, Hobbes?" he asked.

Hobbes turned his head to the time machine where his owl perched.

(He had slept through this entire episode.)

"I'm going to name her 'Tuna'" said Hobbes smiling at the owl.

Calvin stared at the tiger.

"TUNA! What kind of stupid name is that?" he yelled.

"No, no" said Hobbes. "I didn't want to call her 'Tuna'" said Hobbes.

"THEN WHY'D YOU SAY TUNA THEN!" Calvin yelled.

"It's almost lunch time." said Hobbes.

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"I really want to name her 'Angel'. Don't you think that's nice?"

Calvin blinked. "Hobbes," he said. "you should be sued for animal abuse."

"No I shouldn't, should I, Angel?"

Angel hooted lovingly at Hobbes.

"See?" Hobbes said. "she likes her name. Don't you Angel? Yes you do. Yes you do."

Calvin rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Now WHERE IS HARRY!"

Hobbes stared at Calvin

"I do believe I saw him walk into the back."

Calvin stared at Hobbes.

"Why didn't you tell me that you fuzz brain!" he screamed at the tiger.

"I thought you already knew." replied Hobbes, flatly.

Calvin stared at Hobbes as if thinking of what to say to this "MORON OF UNDESCRIBABLE STUPIDITY" as he put it.

At last he just said "oh, Whatever." then he and Hobbes walked over to the back of the train.

Calvin was about to yank the sliding door open, When Hobbes pushed him aside and knocked.

There was a moment of silence, then the door slid open.


	9. The Insane Sorting

chapter 9

the insane sorting

let's back up a little.

Harry sat down next to Ron and Hermonie, and told them all about the whispering, and the picture. After he told them everything, they stared at him.

"Do you think it was Sirius' ghost?" asked Hermonie.

"No." said Harry. "I doubt it."

it was then that a knock sounded on the sliding doors.

"That could be Malfoy." Ron said.

"Let's see." said Hermonie. "_Transparentus!_"

all at once, Hermonie's wand showed a light.

Like that of a flashlight.

It hit the door, and the three saw Hobbes staring dully at the door, and Calvin kicking the time machine, to make the radio work.

Ron stared at the two. "That doesn't look like a kid." he said staring at Hobbes. "He looks more like a... like a tiger"

Harry recognized them at once.

"That kid kicking the box sounds just like the one that called himself Stupendous man in front of Voldemort."

Ron stared at Calvin as he began screaming at the cardboard box, "I OUGHT TO SUE YOU STUPID PIECE OF JUNK!" Calvin kicked it against the wall. It bounced off, and hit him in the nose. BONK! While Calvin screamed and cussed at the box, Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Well let's let them in." said Ron.

He got up, and opened the door.

Hobbes grinned, and tried to block Ron's view of the insane maniac behind him, who was now wrestling with the piece of cardboard.

"Hi." Hobbes said. "How are ya Harry?"

"I'm not Harry." said Ron.

"I'm Ron."

"Close enough." said Hobbes. "And how are you, today?"

"Um." Ron rolled his eyes around. "I'm fine." he said.

Hobbes leaned his head over, and stared pass Ron. "And you must be..."

"YOU STUPID BOX! I OUGHT TO SUE YOU!"

"Calvin stop fighting with that box, and get over here."

Calvin dragged the Time machine over to Hobbes.

"What do you what, Hobbes?"

"I want you to shut up!" Hobbes said.

Calvin stared at Hobbes in horror.

"I've never been so insulted in my life!" he yelled.

Hobbes stuck his tongue out at Calvin and said "you don't have a life, that's why I keep telling you to get one."

"THAT DOES IT YOU HORRIBLE MISTAKE, THIS WAR!" and with that, Calvin leaped onto Hobbes, and the two began to roll around on the ground.

Ron stared at the two, then slammed the door shut.

"I'll bet that's who McGonagall's been ranting and raving about." he said.

Hermonie rolled her eyes.

Harry didn't say anything. He just stared at the door where he heard; "GET OFF ME! HEY NO BITING! NOT FAIR! YOU CHEATED! HELP!"

When the Hogwarts Express slowed, Calvin and Hobbes finally stopped fighting.

They dove off the train.

And then heard "first years! Over here."

"Ah!" said Calvin. "That's most likely Hagrid! Come on, Hobbes! He'll probably worship me!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes, grabbed the time machine, and raced over to the boats.

"Ah." said Hagrid. "You must be those new kids that McGonagall warned me about."

what was that supposed to mean? Calvin thought.

He and Hobbes climbed into the boat, and they made it across the lake.

Calvin however, was not content to just gawk at the castle going "bloody brilliant" No sir. Maybe insane first year visions of RON did that, but not Mr magnificent.

Calvin looked over at Hagrid.

He was in the same boat that Calvin was in.

Calvin grinned.

Hagy wasn't looking.

Calvin turned to the boat next to him.

A small buck toothed lad was sitting in it, watching the castle with awe.

Calvin pulled his wand out, and slowly tapped the boat.

It rocked to one side.

Calvin grinned.

He whammed his wand in the boat, and the entire thing toppled over, sending bucky straight down into the lake.

SPLASH!

Hagrid's head shot around.

Calvin sat in the boat, staring up at Hagrid with big baby eyes.

Hagrid growled, and waved his umbrella.

The boat came whooshing back up, with the shivering boy in it.

Calvin looked around for another form of entertainment.

He found Hagrid's hair. Calvin made grab for the hair, and yanked out a handful of it.

RIIIIP

"OWWWWW!"

Calvin pushed the hair into the water, as Hagrid spun around.

There sat perfect boy, staring up Hagrid like a big, baby, idiot.

"Why did you do that!" Hagrid yelled.

"Daa daa" said flawless Calvin.

When they reached the shore Calvin screamed "COOL! I'M ACTUALLY HERE!" and began to run toward the castle, but Hobbes caught him.

They made their way up to the castle.

But this pace that the other kids were walking at was too slow for Calvin.

He grabbed Hobbes' arm, and he and Calvin raced away from the group.

"Oy! Get back over here!" called Hagrid.

Calvin obeyed but not cheerfully.

They made their way up the stairs, when Calvin thought he could sneak away.

He ducked down, and began to crawl under all the other first years.

But, darn the luck, Hagrid's big hands closed over Calvin's robes, and pulled him up again.

Calvin glared at Hagrid, as he continued to lead them across the sate of Texas.

But Calvin still had another trick up his sleeve.

Calvin stepped onto somebody's robes, and they tripped, the person they hit, tripped, soon everybody had tripped except for Calvin, who raced off.

But then he heard somebody call "_Accio Calvin!_"

Calvin raised into the air, and went soaring back to the group.

He landed right in front of Professor McGonagall, who waved a finger and said, "don't make me do, what I'm fixing to do"

Calvin grunted, and walked back to the group. And then Calvin got to hear McGonagall blab and babble about house points and house cups.

"_The amazing SPACEMAN SPIFF stands before a group of hostile Zokiens! Spiff must escape from the evil queen from melting his mind with USELESS KNOWLEDGE!_"

Calvin thought to himself.

Professor McGonagall opened the doors, and all at once Calvin burst into the great hall.

"SPIFF ESCAPES!" he screamed.

The entire Great Hall turned and stared at him.

Calvin blinked.

"Great moons of Neptune!" he Screamed. "SPIFF HAS BEEN SPOTTED!"

McGonagall's face went white as Calvin continued, "our hero activates the jet pack!"

He jumped into the air several times.

"ZOUNDS! THE ALIENS HAVE..." Hobbes grabbed Calvin by the collar, and yanked him out of the Great Hall.

Then Calvin realized that he had been in his mind too long.

McGonagall apologized to the Great Hall, glared at Calvin, then lead him and all the other first years in.

"I will call your names...and blah, blah, blah" Calvin heard McGonagall say.

"I'm sure to be first." said Calvin to girl next to him. "My magnificence is to much for her to bare!"

"Arrow, Jeff?" called McGonagall.

" awww!" exclaimed Calvin.

"RAVENCLAW!" yelled the hat. The ravenclaw table erupted with applause.

"I'm next! I'm sure of it!" Calvin said to the girl.

"AZER, JOHN?" called McGonagall.

Calvin gritted his teeth impatiently, as John Azer became a new Hufflepuff member.

After a while, Calvin reached his limit.

He looked around for some form of entertainment.

He whipped out his wand, and pointed it at the ground.

A mouse tumbled out, and scurried for the Ravenclaw table.

"Heh, heh." Calvin muttered. The mouse crawled around, then found Cho Chang's legs.

With a mighty chomp, The mouse bit into Cho's leg.

"YYEEEEOOWWW!" She leaped three feet into the air, tore the deranged mouse off her leg, and threw it at Slitherin table.

McGonagall stopped reading names and stared at the mouse as it flew across the room with idiotic grin on it's face, and slobber flying from it's mouth.

It landed on Moyfoy's head.

"SQUEAK!" yelled the disturbed mouse, as it scrabbled across the screaming Moyfoy, and somehow found it's way to his mouth.

Everyone stared at Moyfoy.

It was a sight to remember.

Moyfoy's eyes were almost bulged out of his head, and there was mouse butt sticking out of his mouth.

Calvin laughed hysterically, as Moyfoy tore the drooling mouse out of his mouth, and tossed it over at the Griffendor table.

It landed in Collen Crevies' ear.

He screamed, as the mouse pushed himself into his ear.

He yanked it out, and heaved it at McGonagall.

Who whipped out her wand.

"_elle-thantiac_" she yelled.

The mouse disappeared.

She glared at Calvin who was laughing his head off.

When Calvin's name was called, Calvin walked up to the hat and said "E-GAD! That's not a hat! That's a dead rat! SOMEBODY CALL THE EXTERMINATORS!"

McGonagall pushed Calvin into the chair, and put the hat on his head.

There was a moment of silence, then Calvin heard the hat say,

"Is this human?"

Calvin ignored the insult as the hat continued.

"Courage? yes, shyness? no, intelligence? Nope don't think so."

Calvin clenched his teeth.

"You wouldn't last a day in Slytherin, Hufflepuff would kick you out. Ravenclaw would most likely beat the stuffings out of you so I guess that only leaves GRYFFINDOR!"

everybody BUT the Gryffindor table erupted with applause.

Calvin took his seat glaring at everybody in sight.

Soon Hobbes was called. He walked up to the hat, he hadn't even put it on when the hat screamed

"GRYFFINDOR!" the Gryffindor table did an uproar of applause, but Calvin screamed

"YOU STUPID HAT! WHY DID YOU HAVE TAKE SO MUCH TIME WITH ME!"

Hobbes, a true friend, sat next to Calvin instead of Harry.

Even though he was dying to meet him.

This deed of Hobbes' calmed Calvin down a little bit.

Meanwhile, Ron's mouth fell open.

"I have to lead HIM over to the Gryffindor house!" he asked.

Hermonie glared at Ron

"I have to do it to." she said.

Harry grinned.

For once, he was glad that he wasn't a Prefect.


	10. Panic

_Many thanks to Tiruna Jerino. For helping with my typing mistakes._

Chapter 10

panic

"I have an announcement to make before we begin the feast." said Dumbledore. "Our new Defense against the dark arts teacher is Mr Sall Deen!"

"Sall's the idiot who wrote all those books," Calvin whispered to Hobbes.

Sall stood up.

He had a long nose, red hair, a baseball cap that said "Stupidity makes the world go 'round.", a red short sleeve shirt on (which looked strange in a place full people dressed in black robes), blue shorts, and a stupid expression on his face.

He opened his arms out and screamed at an unnatural volume, "FELLOW STUDENTS!"

Everyone stared at him.

"MY NAME IS MR. SALL! WHICH IS SHORT FOR SALLY!"

Calvin noticed spit flying from his mouth as he spoke.

"BEFORE WE BEGIN THE YEAR, I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU ALL A VERY LONG AND BORING SPEECH BY THOMAS JEFFERSON."

He pulled a rolled up piece of parchment out of his pocket, and let it unravel. It was six feet long. "WE THE PEOPLE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…!"

Calvin doubted that it was by Thomas Jefferson.

(Time passed)

"…THUS CONCLUDING THE LONG AND BORING SPEECH BY THOMAS JEFFERSON. WHOEVER WANTS ME TO READ IT AGAIN, RAISE THEIR HANDS."

Nobody did.

"NOW I'M GOING TO SING THE HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY THEME SONG!"

"I'm afraid we don't have time for that, Sally," said Dumbledore

"OH, DARN! WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME!" Sally sat down.

Calvin and Hobbes all of a sudden burst out laughing at Sally's stupidity. They were both rolling around on the floor, and screaming with laughter.

Sally jumped up, and began bowing left and right, as if thinking that the laughter was clapping.

This made Calvin and Hobbes laugh harder. Soon the entire Great Hall was roaring with laughter, as Sally blew kisses all over the place, and continued to bow.

McGonagall turned a glare on Dumbledore, and forced Sally back into his seat. At last the laughter subsided, and the feast began.

Then Calvin noticed Snape. He was glaring at Sally, who at the moment, was drooling on his food with a vacant expression, and his finger shoved up his nose.

Calvin stared at Sally.Then began to snicker.Before he lost control and burst out laughing again, Hobbes grabbed Calvin's head, and turned him away from Sally.

Later, when Harry felt like he'd rather be in the common room, he walked toward the doors. Once outside, Harry saw Dumbledore.

Dumbledore rushed up to Harry.

"Harry," he said. "I'd like you to meet me in my office at nine o'clock tonight." Then, without another word, he left.

Harry blinked.

"Hey first years!" yelled Ron. "Over here." All the eager little first years, and Calvin, walked up to Ron. "OK," said Ron. "The common room is this way."

"How common is it?" asked Calvin. Ron stared at him

"What?" he asked.

"The common room." replied Calvin. "How common is it?"

Ron stared at Calvin.

"It's just CALLED the common room. It's not 'common'."

"Why's it called a common room if it's not common?" asked Calvin.

"It's called a common room because… this way, first years!"

"You shouldn't call us that! I hate the ring to 'first years'! How 'bout something like: 'this way, my superiors!'"

Hermonie rolled her eyes, and led the first years away. Calvin, of course, was not content just to follow the G.R.O.S.S. enemy (he's talking about Hermonie). So, he pulled out his wand.

Calvin flipped through his Standard book of spells thing, and came to what he was looking for. Before anyone noticed him, Calvin shouted "WATERIOUS!"

SPLASH!

A huge water balloon slammed into Hermonie's head! She spun around.

There stood the most magnificent boy on Earth, staring up at Hermonie with his big baby eyes.

Hermonie narrowed her eyes to slits.

"Who threw that?" she asked.

"Ma, ma." said wholesome Calvin.

Hermonie's eyes locked on Calvin.

"Did you throw that at me?" she snarled. Calvin's baby eyes wilted.

He studied Hermonie's face, then pointed at Hobbes.

"It was ALL his idea, Miss Green-dark"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

The first years then continued on the trip. Soon Calvin got so bored, he couldn't stand it.

He looked around for a form of entertainment.

He spotted Sir Cadogan asleep in his portrait.

"Just ignore him." said Ron. "Don't make any noise that'll wake him up."

Calvin grinned.

"Hey, Cadogan!" whispered Calvin. "Your mother wore army boots! Stinking army boots! Her dirty socks were smelly, too. She has ringworm on her nose, and picks it all the time! So there!"

Cadogan's head shot up. "Halt, you surly dogs!" he yelled, waving his sword.

Ron groaned as Cadogan chased after them waving his sword, and yelling threats about what he'd do when he caught them.

Calvin muttered laughs, and continued to whisper insults to him.

"…and speaking of ugly, your mother must have been a compost pile! What else could make such a horrible mistake?"

Cadogan screamed and yelled, and chased after the group. Soon, Ron got sick of it, and spun around with his wand pointing at the picture he was in.

"RON!" Hermonie snapped. "Just ignore him."

Just then, Ron saw Calvin whispering a insult to the insane knight. Ron started to lunge for Calvin, when Hermonie held him back. Calvin spun around, and stared in shock at Ron.

"Daa daa not hurt Cally, would 'e?" squeaked Calvin, putting on his baby eyes.

Ron glared ice picks at Mr. Perfect, then turned around, and continued his treacherous mission to the common room. At last, Sir Cadogan stopped chasing them, and Calvin started to get bored, again.

At last, they reached the portrait of the fat lady. "Password?" she asked. Before Ron could answer, Calvin shoved him out of the way, and yelled. "YES! I love this game! Is it, _porkchop_?"

"No." said the fat lady.

"_Drooling turkey?_"

"No."

"_Ten thousand teddy bears brush their teeth with apple sauce?_"

"No."

"How much money did I lose?"

Ron was about to kick Calvin out of the way when Hermonie said, "_banda-inki_"

"Correct" said the fat lady.

"YES!" Screamed Calvin jumping up and down like a crazy jumping bean. "IT **WAS** _TOENAIL INNARDS_!"

Ron rolled his eyes, and led the kids into the common room. "You will spend your free time in here." he said, pointing at the common room. "You will sleep in either the…"

"I KNOW THE RULES, YOU DROOLING, RED HAIRED MANIAC! BOYS SLEEP IN BOY'S ROOM, AND THE G.R.O.S.S. ENEMY'S SLEEP IN THE GIRL'S ROOM! WHAT DO YO THINK I AM, A BRAINLESS MONKEY, LIKE YOU!"

Ron closed his eyes, counted to ten, then opened them again. He was about to continue when Calvin muttered "brainless monkey". Ron whipped out his wand, and before Hermonie could do anything, yelled, "_ANILIOUS!_"

Calvin screamed, as a bolt of lighting shot from Ron's wand. Calvin dodged the blast, and lay quivering in the corner, and yelling, "I've been hit! I'm dying! Goodbye world! Cruel world! Cruel unforgiving world!"

"RON!" Hermonie yelled. "How dare you send a electric spell at our new student!"

While Ron and Hermonie argued, Hobbes crawled out from the crowd, and kicked Calvin. "Get up, bozo, you haven't been hit."

Calvin's eyes opened. "Is this heaven?" Hobbes kicked him, again.

"GET UP!" he yelled.

Calvin crawled up, and glared at Hobbes.

"What are YOU doing here?" he asked.

Hobbes heaved a great sigh, and let his chin fall to his chest.

"Okay," said Calvin a little later. "Our first stop on the ticket to magic is… POTIONS! LETS GO!"

Calvin and Hobbes ran down the hallway toward the dungeons.

Calvin and Hobbes burst in. Snape was there. Calvin took his seat, and stared up at Snape with his usual perfect boy act. Snape glared at them.

"Today," he said. "We will be…"

He stopped. Calvin was shoving something into his bag. He decided to ignore it.

"Today, we will study the use of dragon blood."

Calvin was shoving something else into his bag. Snape ignored him.

"Calvin, what are the five uses for -"

BOOM!

Suddenly, the bag Calvin had exploded. Snape's eyes bulged. Calvin, covered in ash and soot, rolled his eyes over at Snape, who had a vicious expression on his face.

"Oops." Calvin said flawlessly. "Me got a big boo-boo on my finger-winger!"

Baby talk didn't work with Snape. (Nothing ever does.) He got a week's worth of detention.

The next day, Hobbes had a chance to meet Harry.

Harry was sitting in the common room, doing some of Snape's homework. Hobbes walked up to him.

"Hello." he said.

Harry looked up "Oh, hello." Hobbes sat down in a chair.

"My name's Hobbes." he said.

Harry nodded. "Hello Hobbes." There was a moment of silence.

Then, "Are you human?" asked Harry.

Hobbes shook his head. "Nope. I'm the all-mighty tiger! One of nature's most perfect beasts." Harry frowned "Do they let animals into the school for learning?" he asked.

"It was Calvin who received the letter. I'm just along for ride."

Hobbes' eyes drifted up to Harry's forehead, but his scar was covered up by his hair. What he did see, was that his hair was stained with blood. "What happened there?" Hobbes asked.

Harry ran his finger through the blood stained hair. "Nothing," he said.

Hobbes stared at Harry. He looked like he didn't want to discus the subject any further. Hobbes let out a big yawn, and Harry saw teeth that were shining.. Just like the tall figure in his dream.

Just then, Calvin came running up.

"HOBBES!" he yelled in the exact same voice that the shorter one had used. "COME ON! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR OUR FIRST FUTURE TELLING LESSON!"

Hobbes stood up, and Calvin and Hobbes seemed the exact same height of what the two figures were in Harry's dream.

"Whatever." said Hobbes. "See ya, Harry."

Harry got up. "I was just getting ready to go to Divination, too." He said. Then stopped. "Wait a minute, you're first years, you don't go to Divination yet!" Calvin grinned up at Harry. "Professor McGonagall says I'm an advanced student, and that I should jump ahead."

Both Harry and Hobbes knew that Professor McGonagall said that to keep his destructive mind out of the common room, but Hobbes had no objection to learning what's in his future. So he, Calvin, and Harry made their way to the Divination classroom. A few minutes into it, Calvin was called. Professor Trelawney was starting the year off by telling everybody their futures in a glass ball.

"Ooo" said Trelawney. "Interesting. I see your mother scolding someone who looks just like you, for… ripping the curtains!"

Calvin's eyes bulged, and his lips raised up revealing gritted teeth. "Oh, that stupid duplicate!" Calvin muttered. "When I get my hands on him…"

"Hobbes! This image appears to be for you." Trelawney said.

Hobbes pushed Calvin out of the way, and stared at the crystal ball.

"You and your "friend" are standing in the middle of a graveyard. Your friend is dressed in a red hood and cape, and is screaming… hold on… yes I do believe he is screaming something about a person named Stupendous man. And - ooh, a figure laying on the ground not ten feet from you! Oh… it's starting to fade. It's gone."

Hobbes stared at the ball. "Uh-_huuuh_…" he shrugged and turned around. Harry was sitting in his seat a look of total panic on his face. Hobbes saw it, but didn't know what it meant…

Until four months later.


	11. HUH?

Chapter 12

HUH?

"HELLO CLASS!" Professor Sally said, later that day. "BEFORE WE BEGIN THE CLASS, LETS START OFF WITH HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, THEME SONG! WHOEVER KNOWS IT RAISE THEIR HANDS!"

Nobody moved.

"OK! I'LL PLAY IT FOR YOU ON THIS PIANO I GOT!"

He sat down at the piano, and banged his head against it, making a very loud BONG sound. Everybody covered their ears

"HAPPY!" Professor Sally screamed. He banged his head against it again, and screamed "HAPPY!"

Then he banged his head against it several times while screaming "HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY…" After about fifteen minutes, he stopped. He faced the students who were staring at him in disbelief.

"AND WHOEVER DOESN'T DO IT, GETS DETENTION!" He screamed. "NOW LET'S START! STUDENTS, YOU SING THE WORDS, I'LL PLAY THE MELODY!"

Hermonie raised her hand. "Professor Sall," She said. "What does have to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

Sally stared at her, as if trying to figure out what she had just said. At last he said, "This will be your protection against... uh... hmmm. what was his name again?" Sally squinted one eye, and rolled the other into the back of his head. "OH! Now I remember!" he said. "Vopy-dee-fort!"

There was a long moment of silence.

The few people who figured out who Sally was talking about, rolled their eyes and whispered to each other, "We're doomed".Sally gave the class his happy hamster 'Duh' look.

"NOW LET'S SING!" he said, stupidly.

Everybody was too shocked to sing anything. But Sally had banged his head against the piano, and was waiting. Everyone grumpily screamed, "HAPPY!" Sally's head came with contact with the piano, and everyone screamed "HAPPY!"

BONG! "HAPPY!" BONG, BONG, BONG! "HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!" But no one noticed Calvin screaming "PROFESSOR SALLY IS A BABBLING IDIOT!" instead of "HAPPY!"

After he was done torturing everyone, he stood up. Purple bruises covered his face, but that didn't cover up a lunatic grin.

"Today..." He said. "We will face Boogers! A kind of animal often known to turn into your worst fear!"

Hermonie raised her hand.

"Yes, miss Gardener?" Sally said.

"Excuse me sir, but their called Bogarts. And we already know how to deal with them."

Sally gave her a looney stare.

"Well," He said. "This will be your reviews! Now UP! I got a good one right here!"

Everyone stood up.

"It's in that chest of drawers!" Sally said pointing at a chest of drawers. "I'll go first." Sally walked up to the drawer, and opened it.

A television set popped out. There was a news reporter on it.

"And for the weather -" the reporter said.

Sally's eyes popped open. "AAAAA! NO! NOT THE WEATHER!" he yelled. Everyone was staring at Sally in disbelief.

"Today," the weather man said. "A 100 chance of WEATHER!"

"AAAAAA! TO... MUCH... **REALITY**!" Sally screamed holding his head.

"And now," the news reporter said, "we go to ace reporter, Hugh."

"Thank you, Jack," ace reporter Hugh said. "We regret to inform you that the Happy, Happy, Happy show has been CANCELED!"

That did it. Sally started running around in circles, screaming his head off, and stumbling over a dead spider that was in the middle of the room. Calvin pushed everyone away.

"Move, aside, and make way for the master!" He walked up to the Bogart.

CRACK!

The Bogart had taken one look at Calvin, and turned into a bug eyed monster with yellow hair, sharp teeth, and tentacles flying in every direction.

Calvin watched it with a look of total terror, then held up his wand.

"_RIDIKKULLIS_" he yelled.

CRACK!

The monster's brain shot out of his head, then started stumbling around saying, "DUH!" Calvin had a wide grin on his face, as the monster walked into walls, and tripped over the dead spider.

Then Hobbes walked up to Bogart.

CRACK!

There sat a wolverine. It stared up at Hobbes with an evil gleam in it's beady eyes. Hobbes took several steps backward, Then raised his wand.

"_RIDIKKULLIS_" he said.

CRACK!

The wolverine suddenly started banging his head against the wall, saying, "DUH!" Hobbes grinned. Calvin glared at him.

"My fear had more taste than yours!" said Hobbes.

After Sall had gotten control of himself, He walked back up to the class.

"Now," he said. "We will study de-blenders!"

"Don't you mean dementors?" asked Lavender Brown.

"Neither am I." said the lunatic professor. "Now, who can make a pro-tron-us?"

Harry raised his hand, but Calvin pushed everyone out of the way. "I can defeat a dementor! EASY!"

"Hairy Potter! Please step up first!"

Harry stepped up onto the stage above the class, but Calvin pointed his wand at Harry and had yelled. "_knocka!_"

A blast of energy shot Harry out of Calvin's way, and he walked up to the stage.

"Hey!" yelled the deranged professor. "That wasn't very nice!"

"I am Harry!" Calvin said. "Look at my forehead." Sally squinted at Calvin's blank forehead.

"Well, I'll be, you are Hairy! Never mind." The entire class stared at Sally in disbelief, but they had to stop when Calvin yelled "_EXPECTO-PATRONUM!_"

Would you like to guess what shot out of Calvin's wand?

Nope, not a tiger.

It was a complete silver duplicate of himself! The patronus looked around.

"WHERE'S THE DEMENTOR!" it screamed. "LEMME AT HIM! LEMME AT HIM!" It started throwing it's fists into the air, and continued yelling.

"WAS IT YOU?" It pointed a silver finger at Neville, who was too stunned to reply.

"IT'S HIM!" the patronus screamed, jabbing it's finger at Neville. "SOMEBODY TACKLE HIM!"

Nobody moved.

"DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!"

The Calvin patronus jumped Neville.

"AAAA! HELP!" Neville screamed

"_Dispatus!_" Yelled Hermonie. The patronus disapeared. Meanwhile, Calvin was laughing his head off. Nobody could tell if Sally was interested in the situation… or what was hanging out of his nose.

"Alright class, that's it." said Sally. "Just the homework is left."

Calvin's laughter faded. "HOMEWORK!" he yelled.

"Yup." said the stupid... er said Sally. "Here's the homework: you must cleanse your nose of gunk." There was a long throbbing moment of silence.

"You're not saying..."

Calvin slapped his forehead.

"Yup." said the overgrown idiot who pretended to be a professor. "Please, do it for a week, then save it in a jar. Give the jars to me for further research on boogoghraphy."

Calvin screamed in his face. "YOU WANT US TO PICK OUR NOSES, AND GIVE **YOU** THE RESULTS?"

"Yup." said the brainless monkey. "It's due next Monday."

"YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT! WE REFUSE TO DO IT!"

"Whoever doesn't do it has detention for the rest of the term." said the idiot.

"WON'T WORK, BUDDY!"

"…singing the HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY song with me for the rest of the term!"

Calvin's eyes bulged. "YOU… YOU… YOU IDIOT! You're the… _KNOCKUS_!" A huge blast of hot energy blasted right into Sally.

The professor crashed into the wall.

"HEY! THAT WASN'T VERY NICE!" Calvin did it again. Sally stood up. "Naughty Calvin! 200 points to Griffondor!"

Everyone in the classroom stared at Sally. Hobbes yanked Calvin away from the lunatic before he got an Askaban life sentence.

"Calvin," whispered Hobbes, "do you realise what you've just done? You just earned Griffondor 200 House Points!"

Calvin was speechless.

"Still..." Calvin said. "I'm gonna ACE this homework!" He rubbed his hands together and chuckled to himself. Hobbes rolled his eyes. Nobody else was as happy as Calvin.

Later, they had History of Magic. Calvin sat in the classroom, staring passively into Professor Binns who was droning on about some kind of elf invasion.

Of course, Calvin was in his own little world.

"_Spaceman Spiff plans his daring escape from the evil Binns. Who dares to try to put Spiff into a passive slumber! HIS FIENDISH PLAN SHALL NOT SUCCEED!_" he thought.

Calvin took hold of his history book, leaped onto the table, and slammed the book into Lavender Brown's head.

"WAKE UP! HE HAS YOU IN HIS TRACE! WAKE UP!" he screamed. He slammed the book Malfoy, Ron, Harry, Lavender, Seamus Finnigan, and everyone else there.

Binns stared Calvin in disbelief, as he kicked the door open, and screamed, "MAKE A RUN FOR IT! HE'S DISCOVERED OUR PLOT! RUN MY FELLOW SPACEMEN! **RU-U-U-U-N!**" Everyone glared murderously at Calvin as he continued to babble meaningless phrases.

Things got worse at Care of Magical Creatures. Hagrid was showing the group some Blackers.

"Make 'em mad, and they make 'ya blind in five seconds." said Hagrid.

One thin, black creature looked over the crowd. It's eyes fell on Calvin. Calvin shoved everyone out of the way, and walked up to the Blacker.

"HI!" he yelled. The Blacker rose up, and bellowed. Hagrid was too shocked to say or do anything. Calvin glared at the Blacker as it glared back.

"I have a box of Chocolate Frosted Sagur Bombs." he said. Calvin pulled a box of his cereal out of thin air.

He flipped a piece into the creature's mouth. The Blacker chewed it up.

"'Ya like that?" asked Calvin. The Blacker nodded, and stared eagerly at Calvin.

"They're kinda bland till ya scoop some sugar on it." Calvin used his wand, and sprinkled sugar onto the already sugary treat.

"CALVIN, DON'T DO THAT!" yelled Hobbes. "Eating that entire box of cereal at once is like drinking over twenty cups of coffee!"

Too late. Calvin already heaved the box into the monster's mouth. All at once, it stiffened as it chewed. It spasmed for a few seconds, then it began bouncing all over the place. Calvin laughed insanely as it crashed into Hagrid, bombarded Ron, and pulverized Malfoy.

Later that day, in the common room, Harry told Ron and Hermonie about Trelawney's prediction, and the similarities between them and the dream. Ron shook his head. "I don't think they were Calvin and Hobbes, Harry."

Just then Calvin leaped out from behind the chair. He wore a red cape and hood.

"STUPENDOUS MAN BLASTS THROUGH THE AIR! ZAAAPWING!" He yelled. He ran over toward a Ginny who hadn't seen him. "BAAAAAAAAHHH!" Calvin screamed throwing his arms into the air. Ginny screamed and ran off. Calvin laughed insanely.

"Now I do." Ron said, staring at the lunatic boy that was bolting around the common room, like an insane rabbit.

Harry lay in bed that night, thinking about his dream. Were Calvin and Hobbes really the two figures he saw in his dream? For a long time, he just stared at the ceiling. Then his alarm sounded.

It was ten minutes to nine.

Harry got out of bed, and slipped on his invisibility cloak, and walked outside. He walked down the corridors, towards Dumbledore's office. On the way, he spotted Professor Sall Deen. Sall's tongue was stuck to the wall.

"G'eat tuick Feeves!" he said to Peeves the Poltergeist. "Now how do you undo it?"

"'Ya don't!" cackled Peeves. Still cackling, he flew off.

Harry passed them by. At last Harry came to gargoyle.

"Yellow sucker." whispered Harry. The gargoyle leapt out of the way for Harry. He walked into the office.

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk.

"Hello, Harry." said Dumbledore calmly. Harry took off the cloak.

"Thank you for coming. You've met Mr. Sall Deen?"

"Yes." said Harry.

"Well, come here."

Harry walked up to Dumbledore. Suddenly, Sally stepped into the room. Harry's eyes bulged.

"HI!" Sally screamed. "WAS MY APPEARANCE DRAMATIC ENOUGH?"

Harry didn't know how Sally'd gotten his tongue unstuck, but all at once he didn't care. He was more interested in what Dumbledore had to say.

"Harry," Dumbledore said slowly. "Sirius Black is ALIVE!"

HUH?


	12. Searching

"WHAT!" yelled Harry.

He couldn't believe his ears. Sall nodded and grinned.

"Yup." he said. "I used my abracadabra-ry powers to figure out two plus two!"

"No, Sall." said Dumbledore. "We're talking about Sirius Black."

"You're kidding!" said Sall. He pulled a pickle out of his pocket, and shoved it into his ear.

Harry wasn't interested in what Sally was doing right now. He turned back to Dumbledore. "How did you find out?" he asked desperately.

"Through the double glass." said Dumbledore.

Harry blinked.

"Through the what?"

"The double glass." repeated Dumbledore. "It's a device used to seek the person of your choice. You just say their name. I was using it myself, to call my cousin, and I was right in the middle of the calling when Sall burst in here, and started screaming about a BLACK piece of paper which he said was being to SIRIUS for his comfort. And suddenly… well come here."

Harry, Dumbledore, and Sall walked over to a mirror that was leaning against the wall. Dumbledore pushed Harry in front of it.

"Now," Dumbledore directed. "Stare at your reflection right in the eye, and say his name as clearly as you can."

Sally stared stupidly into the glass when Harry said as clear as he could, "SIRIUS BLACK!"

The mirror made ripples as if it was water. Harry's reflection began to disappear. He squinted his eyes into the glass. The mirror was filled with mostly static, but in that static, Harry saw a darkened figure.

Harry's eyes widened.

The static seemed to get heavier, as the figure approached. Then a voice echoed out of the mirror.

"Harry." The sound echoed around the room. "Harry, Harry, Harry…"

Harry leaned his head against the mirror. Sirius was looming over them in the mirror. Harry didn't what to leave the mirror. He was closer to Sirius then he had been in what seemed like years.

Just then, a terrible screech boomed out of the mirror. Harry jumped back in fear. Sally's head shot up, and he stared at the glass with wide eyes. Dumbledore didn't show much of a reaction.

"HARRY HELP ME!" the mirror screeched. "HELP ME! HELP ME!" Harry stared in horror at the mirror. Sally pulled the pickle out of his ear, and tried to hide behind it.

The screech then started to fade.

"HELP! Help! help. help…" The static faded, and Harry's reflection returned. Silence filled Dumbledore's office.

Harry was breathing hard.

"What happened?" he asked, breathlessly.

"Sirius needs help." Dumbledore said.

"Where is he!" Harry demanded.

"We don't know." said Dumbledore. "That's why we called you here. Sall?" Sally was drooling on his pickle with his eyes crossed. When he heard Dumbledore, he said "Oh yeah!" He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and read it aloud.

" 'Hello, insert name here, I am going to help you find insert name here, from insert danger here.' " He grinned at Harry.

"And you can't do anything about it!"

"Harry," Dumbledore said. "What Sall is trying to say is that you are to meet him in his office everyday after Defense Against the Dark Arts. He is going to use some equipment to help you find Sirius. But, finding him will be hard, so you'll have to meet him every day for a while."

Harry felt mixed feelings for excepting help from such a bird brain, but he had no choice. "Okay," he said.

After Sally waddled out of the room, Harry asked, "How did he get like that?"

"His mother confided in me not to tell anyone that. It's his secret."

"Who's his mother?" asked Harry.

Dumbledore smiled. "She's a person who runs around London covered with her cats. She will throw her cats at muggles who are walking while talking at the same time."

Harry had a hard time imagining a woman running around London, throwing her cats at anyone she sees, and telling Dumbledore not to tell anybody why her son is such an idiot.

Later, Harry was in bed. He couldn't get the thought out of his head. "SIRIUS IS ALIVE! SIRIUS IS ALIVE!" Soon though, his eyes started to drift closed.

Harry was lying in the middle of a graveyard. Calvin, Hobbes, and Voldemort were nowhere in sight. Harry looked around. He saw a darkened figure laying motionless on the ground. Harry wanted to help him. He tried to move only to discover that he was chained to the ground. Harry struggled with the chains. He called out for help. The darkened figure twitched.

As Harry's eyes started to focus he started to make out several distinctive features on the darkened figure. The figure had wild black hair. It's skin seemed to be burnt and scarred, and… HUH!

IT WAS SIRIUS BLACK!

Harry struggled with all his might to escape the chains that held him to the ground. Sirius suddenly started to move. He got up. His soggy, red rimmed eyes fell on Harry.

Sirius was about to come to Harry when a bony grey hand wrapped around his mouth, and pulled him backward. Harry stared at the owner of the hand. He let out a scream. The face! It was horrible! Harry screamed so hard that his scar burst again.

"HARRY! HARRY!" yelled a voice. "HARRY!" Harry's eyes shot open.

His eyes fixed on Calvin in the bed next to him.

"Shut up will 'ya?" he yelled. "When I don't get my sleep, I'm not my usual cheery self in the morning!"

Harry's scream had woken most of the room. All the boys were staring at him. Except Calvin, that is. He had slammed his head back into his pillow, had instantly fell asleep, (How could he sleep at a time like this?) And started an orchestra of noises.

Remember how Calvin is always screaming? Guess what he does in his sleep? He snores, grunts, wheezes, and makes a series of other sounds. Oh, and Hobbes had once reported that his eyelids would sometimes fall open, and you could watch his eyes roll around in circles.

Harry didn't happen to be looking at his eyelids right now, because Ron came over to him, and asked, "What happened?"

"Lets discus it in the morning." whispered Harry. Ron, still looking upset, went back to bed, keeping a worried eye on Harry.

The next day, there was another Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

"HELLO CLASS!" Sally screamed in his unnaturally loud voice. "Today, we will be doing imitations! Let's start with Professor Quail!"

Sally grabbed a paper towel, and wrapped it around his head. Then he said in a quivering voice, "I am s-s-s-so s-s-s-scared of th-th-th-this ch-ch-ch-cheese sandwich! DON'T LET IT HURT ME!"

Grins twitched at the sides of a few people's mouths. It WAS a great imitation of Quirrel.

"Now" he said, ripping the towel off his head. "We will imitate Lock-heart!" Sally put on a handsome grin, and said, "Hello class, my favorite color is bird. My first word was DUH, and I recently went insnae."

A few people chuckled.

"NOW…" Sally ran off in another direction. "PROFESSOR MUDDY!" Sally gave the class the lazy eye. "He-wo" he said in a deep voice. "I am not some imposter! I am Muddy! BEWARE! I mean… He-wo!"

Calvin laughed, and several other people smiled.

"And now… PROFESSOR ABRIDGED!" Several people looked up.

Umbrige was their least favorite teacher. They all wondered what Sally would do.

Sally puffed himself up and said in a ridiculously high voice, "Good afternoon, students! Can everybody say 'good afternoon, professor Umbrige?' " Nobody said anything.

"Now, now." said Sally. "That won't do, now will it?" He then came down to eye level with Lavender Brown.

"I am your frie-e-e-end." he said, mysteriously. He then whirled around to Harry and yelled, "Detention, Mr Potter!" He whirled back to Lavender.

"Now, if any of you hear about Vole-dee-fort going insane, please let me know. I am here to help you, all you little five year olds."

Harry thought that was a perfect imitation of Umbrige. Then Sally said, "OK! Enough fooling around! Where is your jar of nose gunk?" Everybody held up empty jars.

Sally took them, and studied them. "PERFECT!" He yelled shoving the jars, that were as empty as his head, into his chest of drawers.

"Now then, remember one thing, before you go." He said. "Vop-dop-dee-fort will look cute and fuzzy at first, but then he'll show his teeth and eat you!" Everyone stared at him.

"Have you even SEEN you-know-who?" asked Dean Thomas.

"Know you who what?" asked Sally, stupidly. Calvin rolled his eyes, and sighed.

Then class was over, and only Harry and Sally remained.

"Hello!" said Sally "Who the heck are you?" Nobody in his whole life had ever said that to Harry.

"Dumbledore said you could help me find Sirius?" said Harry.

"Oh, yeah!" said Sally. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, and read it aloud.

" 'Hello, insert name here, I am going to help you find insert name here, from insert danger here.' " He then looked back up at Harry. "Who the heck are you?" he said.

Harry sighed. He and Sally walked into the office. It didn't look at all like what it looked like when Umbrige was there. It was now covered in drawings of wands and other stuff.

Oh, and there was a TV on the desk.

"TV's don't work in Hogwarts!" exclaimed Harry. "How can you have one here?"

"What's a TV?" asked Sally, walking over to his closet. Harry sighed, and walked over to the closet with him. Sally pulled a cauldron out of the closet that he had written "cul-DUH-ren" on it in bright green crayon. Sally then walked over to his cabinet, and opened the doors.

Contents: a dead rat, a box of crayons, a picture of a deranged looking woman covered in cats which Harry knew was his mother, a Happy Snails season two DVD box set, another DVD marked "Here Come the Dummies IV", a jar of something grey that Harry saw was boogers, and an assortment of potions that Dumbledore must have gave him.

Sally turned a grin on Harry.

"Double-y-door makes everything **SO** easy!" he said with a wink.

Sally took all the potions off the shelf, and closed the door, walked over to his desk, and carefully put all the jars down.

He then plucked a card from a jar.

" 'Gobble Geeble, sing the hocus-pocus.' " he read. Harry blinked.

"What does that mean?" he asked.

Sally grinned. "Normally, it means to order a pizza and sing it to sleep by doing the hokey-pokey, but in a situation like THIS it means to put a certain bit of lotion into that cul-DUH-ren!"

"It's potion, not lotion." corrected Harry.

"DUH!" said Sally grabbing a bottle, and throwing it into the caldron. It made a large puff of pink smoke.

Sally grinned, stupidly and threw another bottle into the pink flames. BOOM! Sally threw another one in. BOOM! Harry put his hands over his ears, as Sally threw another in. BOOM!

After all the bottles had been thrust in, the caldron now contained a pure white color, Sally read the rest of the card.

"Blabble bibble" he read.

Harry sighed. "What does THAT mean?" he asked.

"Wait for 24 hours for lotion to set." He said. "We use that all the time in idiot speak!"

Harry stared at Sally.

"You mean we can't even START looking for Sirius until tomorrow!" he screamed.

"Yup!" barked Sally. "See ya tomorrow!"

Harry was furious. He wanted to start looking for Sirius TODAY! But he couldn't! All he could do was say, "goodbye" and leave.

The next day, Calvin sat in the Great Hall, eating his fill. Hobbes sat next him, shoving Tuna into his mouth.

It was then that Calvin overheard someone say, "Hey, somebody took my pound of meatloaf!" it was Ron.

'_Usually dame calls me for a case, but no matter. Tracer Bullet is always on the case!_' Calvin thought. He jumped up onto table.

"NEVER FEAR!" Calvin yelled at Ron "TRACER BULLET IS ON THE CASE!"

Ron stared at him. Calvin walked across the table, scattering food in the process. After six seconds, he walked back over to Ron.

"The clues add up, I'm afraid that your porkchop has been STOLEN!" he said. Ron glared at him.

"You took it, didn't you?" he snapped. Calvin pretended to light a cigarette, as he continued.

"You want the case solved, it'll cost you 50 greenbacks an hour!"

It was then that Professor McGonagall grabbed Calvin's robe collar.

"Detention, Calvin!" She muttered. Hobbes grinned. Calvin hung in the air. He crossed his arms, lifted his head and said, "Give me liberty, or give me death, you fiendish fiend!"

Big mistake. Calvin was carried out of the Great Hall, and Hobbes took a seat next to Harry.

"Why do you hang around with him?" Ron asked, as the dishes on the table were refilled with food.

"I've been with him for a long time. I'm ready to stop friendship yet."

Hermonie stared after Calvin, who was now screaming, and throwing punches in every direction. "Does he always acts like that?" she asked Hobbes. He watched Calvin.

"Most of time. One night he couldn't keep Spaceman Spiff under control, and I didn't get any sleep." The four laughed.

"His favorite seems to be Stupendous Man, for the simple fact that he has a costume for it."

Harry's eyes bulged, but he tried to hide it. He couldn't, however, hide his scar beginning to burst again. He had already washed the blood out of his hair, but it felt like more was staining it.

Meanwhile, Calvin was thrown into Sally's office. Calvin got up from the ground, and looked up. Sally's head seemed to be glued to his desk, and his idiotic scream of a snore filled the office.

"Hey! Wake up, you moron!" Calvin screamed. Sally's head came up, and stared at Calvin.

Then he said, (and this is a direct quote), he said, "Oh, hi. We can't come to the foam right now. Just leave a mess and we'll go back to sleep." And with that, his head instantly (and I mean instantly) slammed back into the gravitational pull of his desk, and his loud snore echoed throughout the castle.

Was Calvin just going to sit there, and take THAT for an answer? No, of course not! Calvin whipped out his wand and screamed, "_STUPIFY_!"

The blast nearly hit Sally. His head shot up again, but this time, his eyes were wider then before.

"DON'T LET THE MONKEY STEAL MY WALLET!" he screamed, stupidly.

Calvin sighed. "This is gonna be a long detention." he muttered.

_ _

BONUS SCENE: This is a kind of deleted scene of how Umbridge inspects Sally's class. I just wondered how Sally and Calvin would handle it. I couldn't resist putting this up. Enjoy!

"Hello, Professor Sall?" Said Umbridge, walking into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. "I take it you received my notice of when your inspection was to begin?"

"Inspector Notice began to receive stuff?" Umbirdge made a note on her pad.

Sally turned back to the class.

"LET US BEGIN, STUDENTS!" he screamed.

Umbridge lurked in the corner, taking notes.

"Today, we will study the terror of overgrown children who pretend to be professors!"

"Can I leave?" asked Calvin.

"I'm afraid not!" said Sally. "This will come up in your O.W.L.'s.

"I'm a first year, you idiot!" said Calvin.

"Fuzzy bubble" said Sally, stupidly.

Umbridge began writing furiously on her pad. She then got up, and walked over to Calvin.

"Hello, dear." She said to him.

Calvin grunted, and didn't look at her.

"So, how do things go here?" She asked.

"Ask HIM!" Said Calvin pointing at Sally, who was trying to eat his desk. "He'll tell you anything. Just don't talk to him about the cancellation of the Happy, Happy, Happy show."

Umbridge walked up to Sally.

"How long have you been teaching?" She asked him.

"Four billion years!" He said. He thought for a moment. "Give or take a million!" There was a moment of silence.

"I see," said Umbridge, writing a quick note on the pad. She then turned back to Calvin.

"How do things GO here?" she asked in a dangerous sweet.

"The food's good, but the homework is death." said Calvin.

"He serves FOOD here?"

"Not in here." said Calvin. "I thought you were talking about the whole castle."

"No." said Umbridge, sweetly. "I'm talking about this class."

"Yeah, well, I'm not talking!" spat Calvin. Umbridge's eyes bulged.

"Oh, you're NOT are you?"

"Nope." said Calvin. "Maybe I WOULD'VE said something, if you hadn't of tortured Harry last year!"

Ron leaned over to Harry.

"How does he know about that?" he asked. Harry shrugged. He looked down at his hand. The words "I must not tell lies" were still carved into it. He hoped it wouldn't be another permeant scar.

"You had better say something, Mr. Calvin!" said Umbridge in that fake sweet.

"Or what?" said Calvin sticking out his tongue. "'Ya gonna put me in detention, and make me write 'I must not tell lies' on my hand? Shouldn't that be what YOU should be writing on your hands?"

Umbridge started stalking for Calvin.

"Oh, Sally?" asked Calvin. "This woman just delivered an insult to the Happy, Happy, Happy show theme song! Are you gonna just **sit there**, and take this injustice!" Sally's head shot up.

The next thing Umbridge knew, Sally had kicked her out of the classroom, to the delight and joy of all the other students.

"Now where were we?" asked Sally.

"Good work on the Happy insult." whispered Hobbes.

"She deserved every last bit of it!" said Calvin, grinning.


	13. Crazy Quiditch

_Swing123: Sorry about this big holdup._

Chapter 13

Calvin went down the stairs, grumbling.

He came to the picture of the fat lady.

"Password." She said.

"Pickltis! Now lemme in! I gotta a bone to pick with a tiger!"

The fat lady rolled her eyes, and then swung open.

Hobbes was sitting in a chair, talking and laughing with Harry and his friends.

Calvin stormed over to him, and started screaming

"YOU MORON! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT I HAD TO SPENT THREE HOURS SINGING HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY WITH THE STUPIDEST MAN ON EARTH!"

Hobbes gave a kind of shocked look.

"MY fault? How is it MY fault?" He asked.

"YOU WHISPERED 'A CASE MR BULLET! WILL YOU TAKE IT?' IN MY EAR!"

Hobbes grinned. "No I didn't. You can't prove a thing."

Harry Ron and Hermonie stared at Calvin then at Hobbes, then back at Calvin.

Calvin crossed his arms.

"Buddy, I know you did and so do you!"

Hobbes grinned again.

"Well my, aren't you Mr. Sunshine, today?" He said.

"THAT DOES IT!" Calvin whipped out his wand.

But Hobbes was to quick. "I like dueling!" Said Hobbes, holding his wand up.

Calvin pointed his wand at Hobbes.

"_EXPELLIARMIS!_" He screamed.

Hobbes ducked.

The blast ended up going into the fireplace, making an unnecessary fire.

Hobbes clapped.

"Bravo! BraVO!"

Calvin prepared to fire another blast, when Hobbes picked him up, by the scruff of his robes.

"Now, Now, Witto Cawvin-wawvin, oo don't want to HURT anybody with your nasty wandy!" He said, knocking the wand out of Calvin's hands.

"Why, you stinkin' rotton, smelly, piece of junk!"

Hobbes grinned, and carried Calvin over to the trash can.

"HEY? WHAT ARE DOING! GET AWAY FROM THAT TRASH CAN! I'M WARNING YOU!"

Hobbes opened the lid.

Sssss! Rustle, rustle! Clang!

Hobbes slammed the lid shut.

Calvin banged on the lid, but Hobbes had put a 10 minute sticking charm to the lid.

"YOU MORON! WHEN I GET OUT HERE, I'LL..."

But Calvin's words were unheard by anyone outside, for the simple fact, that Hobbes had also put a force field around the trash can.

But Calvin heard THEM talking.

They were continuing their conversation as if Calvin had never come in.

"_When I get my hands on that stupid tiger, I'll tear him to shreds!_" He thought.

* * *

Later that day, Calvin and Hobbes had gone to... "Welcome to your first flying lesson." said Madam Hooch. "To bring your broom up, you say 'up'" 

Calvin stared at the broom.

"DOWN!" He screamed.

The broom raised into the air, then slammed into the ground making a small crater.

Calvin's eyes rolled upward. Madam Hooch was glaring at him.

"UP!" Screamed Calvin.

The broom rocketed into the air.

Calvin grabbed it, but the broom wasn't content just sit in Calvin's hands.

"AAAAAA! HELP!"

Hobbes watched Calvin with great interest.

Calvin swung up onto his broom. He stared around in shock.

Then stared back at the ground.

YIKES!

Everyone bellow him looked like ants.

Calvin grabbed the broom, and leaned forward.

The broom lurched.

Calvin screamed.

He was still rising into the air.

Calvin's eyes bulged.

Everyone on the ground looked like little black dots!

Madam Hooch grabbed her broom, and rose up into the air.

She came up to Calvin. "Calvin push down!"

Calvin stared at her.

"ARE YOU MAD! I'LL BE SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE GROUNDS!"

"If you fall, I'll catch you!" Madam Hooch said. "Now push down!"

Calvin began to lean downward.

The broom suddenly fell.

"AAAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin screamed.

Madam Hooch dove after him.

Calvin grabbed the broom handle, and pulled upward.

The broom went up.

Calvin jerked the handle left.

The broom turned.

Calvin grinned.

"_This is fun!_" He thought.

He leaned forward, and the broom began to pick up speed.

"_The amazing Spaceman Spiff rockets away from the evil foamieans who pursue him!_"

Calvin turned his head.

Madam Hooch chased after him.

Calvin grinned. "You will never catch me you maggots from Mars!" He screamed.

"CALVIN! LAND! NOW!" Madam Hooch replied.

Calvin laughed, and leaned farther.

Calvin then turned and zapped toward Hobbes.

Hobbes' eyes looked like plates, as Calvin crashed into him.

"THAT'S FOR YESTERDAY YOU STINKING FUZZ BALL!"

Hobbes glared at Calvin and showed his fangs.

Uh-oh.

Hobbes grabbed his broom, and rocketed after him.

Now he had two people after him.

Calvin flipped, and he flew over Madam Hooch, and Hobbes, while upside down.

Both had to screech to a halt, and change direction.

Calvin turned his head.

"COME AND GET ME YOU EVIL CREATURES!"

Oops.

Calvin's broom slammed into a passing Harry, knocking him out cold.

"Oops, sorry!"

In the process of talking to the unconscious Harry, Calvin's broom slammed into another sixth year.

Ron.

"Oops. Sorry Run!"

Hobbes almost caught Calvin, but didn't. Calvin turned his head.

"HA! NONE CAN CATCH THE ALL MIGHTY SPACEMAN..."

CRASH!

Calvin slammed right into the wall of Hogwarts.

The broom snapped in two, and Calvin screamed.

"AAAA! I'VE BEEN PARALYZED! I'M DYING! HELP! HELP! HELP!"

Hobbes walked over to him.

"Calvin, the BROOM hit the wall. You didn't."

Calvin opened his eyes.

"Hobbes what are you talking about? I've been permanently paralyzed and..."

Calvin's finger twitched.

"Wow! I can move again! It's a medical miracle!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

It was then that Madam Hooch ran up.

"Calvin!" She gasped. " Under normal circumstances I would have you expelled! But since you have just been put into a state of shock, I'll let it pass."

Calvin grinned.

"Hot dog!" He said jumping up. Just then, Professor Sally came lumbering up to Calvin.

"Oh no!" He yelled, stupidly. "Those poor quiditch players!"

Calvin stared at Sally. "What? Oh, them."

Sally rushed up to the unconscious Harry and Ron.

"And darn the luck! They have a match tomorrow! THEY CAN'T COME!"

Calvin grinned. "Really? THEY CAN'T!"

"Oh great." Said Hobbes.

* * *

The next day, Calvin and Hobbes were at the hospital wing, visiting Harry and Ron. 

"I'm extremely sorry, you can't come to the quackitch match." Said Calvin. "And I'm just heart broken that we have to take your place!"

Hobbes kicked Calvin away from the bed.

"I really am sorry that certain un-named parties put you in this condition, Harry." He said.

Harry glared ice picks at Calvin.

"Fine." He said, turning his head away.

Hobbes glared at Calvin, who was standing at the door of the hospital wing, tapping his foot impatiently.

* * *

Later Calvin and Hobbes were at the Quiditch field. 

"Boy Hobbes, what luck!" Said Calvin, holding up his broom.

Hobbes mounted his broom.

"I still can't believe we're gonna play Quiditch." He said.

Madam Hooch came onto the field, stared at Calvin, shook her head, and walked into the middle of the field.

"On your mark, get set, GO!" She blew her whistle, and threw the quafle into the air.

Whoosh!

In a second, and I mean instantly Calvin was gone.

Hobbes, and the other Grinfondor team pushed off as well.

Hobbes looked around for Calvin.

At last he spotted him.

He was streaking around the audience, bowing his head and throwing kisses to everyone.

He was paying NO attention at all to the game.

Hobbes rocketed over to the Grifondor score hoop and turned to the Quaffle, which was in a Slytherin's hands.

Hobbes hummed to himself, reached his hand out, and flexed his claws.

Hobbes' claws came right into the chaser's face, and he dropped the ball.

Hobbes grabbed it, and threw it back into the game, with the Slytherin clutching his face.

Meanwhile, Calvin had finished wasting his time, and was in the process of looking for the Snich.

Just then, Calvin saw something gold.

ZOOM!

Calvin dived at it and... oops... slammed right into McGonagal's gold hat.

CRASH!

Calvin bolted out of the way while McGonagal screamed and yelled at him.

Meanwhile, Hobbes was having no trouble at all keeping the quaffle away from the score goal.

He yawned, and continued swiping at any Slitherine player that dared come near the three goals.

At last, the players gave up trying to score, and just tried to beat Calvin to the snitch.

That, however, wasn't an easy job.

Calvin kept slamming into the side of Malfoy, disabling him to keep his attention on the game.

Just then, When Malfoy was out of Calvin's range, he ploted his revenge. With the help of two other green players, Malfoy started to close in on Calvin.

Calvin looked around.

The players were bolting at Calvin from all directions.

But, When Calvin hit a little button on the broom marked "escape", ZOOM!

He vanished, and the players all slammed into each other.

It was then that Calvin noticed something gold in the middle of the field.

At almost light speed, he dove after it.

Then he noticed Malfoy coming after him, with a wide grin on his face.

"No log like _that_ is going to outrun my nimbus 2001" He screamed.

Calvin put the broom into 'fire and a cloud of smoke' mode, and the broom began to gain speed.

Calvin reached his hand out, but in the process of doing so, he had hit the "escape" button with his foot.

ZAP!

The Snich fell into his hands, and he went zooming off.

Calvin's fists closed over the flying ball, as he fell into the back of the broom.

Calvin heard his broom make sonic 'pops'.

Calvin tried to reach the escape button again, but he couldn't reach...

CRASH!

But he didn't have the time to, because at that very moment, he crashed into a wall.

He fell off the broom, and the Snich escaped.

Harry, apparently cured, then zoomed over.

"Calvin!" Harry yelled.

Calvin groaned.

"Calvin, I've got to tell you something!"

Calvin sat up.

He stared the wall.

"What do YOU want, Hobbes?" He asked the wall.

"I'm over here." Said Harry. "And my name is Harry."

"Whatever." Calvin spun around.

"Calvin," Harry said ignoring the narrator scream "GRIFFONDOR WINS!" "Calvin, you're terrible danger!"

Calvin stared at him.

"What?" He asked.

Hobbes walked up just then.

Calvin turned to him.

"Hobbes, did you hear that?" He asked the tiger. "Yup. He said that we were terrible players and the danger that we're in did something or other." Replied Hobbes as if they were discussing the weather.

Calvin turned back to Harry.

"What are talking about?" He asked the sixth year wizard.

Harry sighed, and told them about his dream.

Calvin let out a gasp.

Hobbes' eyes bulged.

And Harry rubbed his forehead.

There was a moment of silence.

Then Calvin said "so we're gonna end up fighting Voldy-mort?"

Harry nodded. "But I bet you can change that, by..."

Harry was cut off by Calvin screaming, "THAT WILL BE **SO** COOL!"

Harry stared at him.

"W-what?" Harry stammered.

"Fight Vol-duh- fort? That will be FUN!" Calvin screamed.

Harry rolled his eyes around.

"If you insist." Harry said, Then stepping away from the little lunatic.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed back up to Harry.

"When do you suppose it'll happen?" Hobbes asked worryingly.

Harry shook his head.

"I don't know if it's even going to happen." He said.

Calvin was jumping around in circles. "OH, I CAN'T WAIT! THAT WILL BE SOOOOOOO FUN!"

"We've got to go to the DADA, guys." Said Harry changing the subject.

Calvin stared him.

"And listen to THAT idiot drone on about how kill an ant? NO WAY, BUDDY! LET'S GO TO POTIONS!" He and Hobbes raced off toward the school.

Harry sighed, and wondered what who was dumber? Sally, or Calvin?

* * *

Calvin sat dungeons in which Snape was. 

He glared at Calvin and Hobbes.

Then began the class.

Calvin stared at his ingredients, then at the caldron, then at the blackboard in which the instructions were.

"_Gad! This is boring!_" Calvin thought. "_Oh what the heck._"

He grabbed random ingredients, and shoved them into the caldron.

After about five minutes of this, BOOM!

The caldron exploded.

Everyone turned and stared at Calvin.

He had ash all over him.

He shook the dust off, and stared at the liquid that was on the desk.

Snape walked over to it.

"Never," he spat. "In my entire life, have seen such an IDIOT!"

Calvin glared at him.

Then at Hobbes, who had just perfected HIS, and was grinning at Calvin.

Snape stuck his long finger into yellow goo that was on the table.

"100 points from Grif..." He tried pulled his finger out of the goo.

But his finger was stuck.

He tried to push it off with his other hand.

All he succeeded in, was getting his other hand stuck.

He tried to rub it off onto the desk.

No luck there.

Soon, he had yellow goo all over him.

He turned a angry look onto Calvin

"200 points from Gryffindor!" He yelled.

He tried to pull his wand out of his pocket, but he was so messed up, he couldn't move.

Calvin watched Snape fall over and struggle with the goo.

A grin formed over his face.

"Ya know Snapey," Calvin said. "This really is worth 200 points!"

At this everyone started to laugh.

Before Snape could answer, Sally burst into the room.

"Rubber Band Snap?" He said, stupidly. "Where's my Happy Snails the movie DVD?"

Snape turned a hot glare on him. "I don't now where your stupid tape is! Get out of my life, you bumbling idiot!"

Calvin clapped his hands.

"Couldn't have said it better my self, Rubber Band Snap! (Tee-hee)" Calvin chuckled.

"No need to get touche!" Sally said.

He turned to Calvin "oh and Balvin? Your singing on Happy, Happy, Happy Was incredible! I like how you changed the words to 'you are the stupidest thing I've ever saw in my life!' 3,000 points to Gryfondor!"

And with that, he slammed the door.

Snape glared at the door.

"My, my," said Calvin "200 points FROM Gryffindor, then 3,000 points TO Gryffindor! How fortunate."

Snape glared at Calvin.

"Detention, Calvin." He said coldly.

* * *

Meanwhile, everyone in the DADA room were waiting for the stupid to get there. 

At last, he burst in.

"HELLO LEARNERS!" He screamed. "Say hello to your superior!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Today, we will study the terror of glasess!"

Just then, he spotted Harry's glasses, planted firmly on his face.

"HOLY GRAVY!" Sally screamed. "I SHALL SAVE YOU!"

He zipped over to Harry, grabbed his glasses, threw them on the floor, and started banging his head into the glasses.

Then he stood up, shards of glass were sticking out of his face, as he grinned at the students.

Hermonie gritted her teeth, walked up to Sally, pointed her wand at his face and said, "_repairo_"

Harry's glasses surged back together.

She handed Harry his glasses, and then sat back down, glaring at Sally.

Sally seemed to take no notice of Hermonie or Harry's glasses anymore.

Instead, he sat down, at his desk.

He stared at all his students with his empty eyes, then said (and this is a direct quote) he said, "nappy time, students."

Then, he slammed his head into his desk, and instantly fell asleep, with his disgusting snore echoing through the room.

Ron didn't know Calvin would have done to Sally if he was there, but it would have been loud, and weird.

Hermonie was thinking about her other homework as she always did these days, not listening to Sally's babble.

Harry however, wasn't thinking about either one, he was watching the clock.

Fifteen more minutes of insanity, and Sally and Harry would be looking for Sirius.

Fourteen minutes.

Thirteen minutes.

Ten minutes...


	14. Super Moron Saves the Day

_Swing123: The next Harry Potter book has just recently come out. So for those who read it, please don't bring up mistakes about updates on deaths and people who've left Hogwarts. Thanks. Also, I'm sorry about this short chapter, I'm having a little writer's block._

_:) : I'm glad you liked it. The next chapter will be here soon._

_headache-with-pictures: thanks._

_randomgirl: I do answer the reviews. There are some however, to which I don't konow how to respond. I'm also sorry about calling him Moyfoy instead of Malfoy. I don't know _how _that happened._

Chapter 15

Super Moron Saves the Day

Sally pranced around the room, with a lemon custard all over his face, and doing what Harry saw was an attempt to dance and sing.

"LAA LAA LAAA! **CUSTARD!**"

Even Hermonie had come out of her homework trace to watch the idiocy that was being performed.

Just then the bell rang.

"Whoopsy!" Sally yelled. "Oh well, we'll have to continue our magical rain dance tomorrow."

Everyone left.

Except Harry.

Sally stared at him.

"Who the heck are..."

"JUST GET IN THERE!" Harry shouted.

Sally walked into the office, and stared down into the pure white potion.

"Abracadabra!" Sally shouted at the potion.

Nothing happened.

Harry buried his face into his hands.

"Oh, now I remember!" Sally said.

He walked over to his chest of drawers, and pulled out a picture of Sirius.

Harry didn't even want to ask how Sally had got it.

He threw it into the potion.

BOOM!

The picture appeared in the liquid.

"Cool!" Sally said.

Harry started to understand how this thing worked.

"Sirius Black!" He said into the potion. Info popped up on Sirius.

Name: Sirius Black

Occupation: wizard

status: mortal peril

location: Ministry of Magic, Department of Mysteries, some veil.

Harry found that absolutely no help at all.

Harry spent the next few minutes manipulating the potion, while Sally counted his fingernails.

"one... four... seven..."

At last, Harry gave up, and left professor moron in his office, now counting the molecules that make up one arm.

Yes, that's what he does for a living.

* * *

Calvin grunted all the way up to Gryffindor Common room.

He screamed the password into the fat lady's face, and walked into the room.

Once again, Hobbes was talking with Harry, Ron and Hermonie, except this time, they weren't laughing.

On the contrary, there were very serious about their conversation.

Calvin sat down next to Hobbes.

None of them seemed to noticed Calvin, so he took a deep breath in, and screamed at the top of his lungs.

Everybody jumped, and stared at Calvin.

Calvin grinned.

"After what Snapey did to me, I'm glad to get that off my chest."

Hobbes glared at him, and pushed the hairs on his back down.

"We were just discussing Harry's dream about us being tortured by what's-his-name!" Hobbes snapped.

Calvin grinned again.

"YEAH! Won't that be fun! I wonder what he'll look like!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Your insane." Ron told the blond haired, feeble-minded, boy.

Calvin grinned, again.

"Being insane is fun! You should try it sometime!"

* * *

The next day was Halloween.

Calvin and Hobbes walked around the castle in costumes, screaming "TRICK OR TREAT!" to every door they came to.

Hobbes was dressed as a human, and Calvin was dressed as a _Velociraptor_.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, HOBBES!" Calvin yelled at the tiger.

"Over six-thousand doors, and not a single one has candy! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!"

Hobbes stared at his watch.

"It's dinner time, Calvin, we better go to the great hall."

Calvin grunted. When they entered the Great Hall, it was filled with...

"CANDY!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed at once.

They raced over to where Harry and his friends were sitting.

Harry, Ron and Hermonie, and Calvin, and Hobbes had became the best of friends.

Harry had decided that he wanted to be as nice to Calvin and Hobbes, as he was to Ron and Hermonie.

Because, he thought they weren't going to be around much longer.

(Man, he doesn't know _them _very well, does he?)

"Oh, come on," said Hobbes that day noticing that Harry was being extra nice to them. "It's not like he-who's-name-is-very-hard-to-pronounce is going to invade the school, right?"

Ron rolled his eyes, and didn't look at Hobbes.

"Hey Run! I got a joke for you!"

"Quit calling me that!" Ron spat. "What is it?"

"Knock, knock?" Calvin said.

"Who's there?" Ron sighed.

"Ron!" Calvin muttered between laughs.

"Ron who?" Ron muttered.

Right before bursting out with laughter, he screamed, "Ron away! Ron is coming!"

He then fell to the ground in insane laughter.

It had appeared that a tiny particle of Sally's so called mind noticed this. And he felt he had to bring up.

"STUDENT DOWN!"

He leaped from the chair, next to McGonagal, and rushed over to Calvin.

Calvin was still laughing his head off, and Sally must of thought he had fainted or something.

He bent over to perform mouth-to-mouth.

Calvin opened his eyes, and saw a big, gaping, hole with a tongue approaching him.

Calvin screamed bloody murder, and shoved his fist into the hole.

Sally jerked up, he had his ususal stupid grin on, but now, there was a wild six-year old maniac kicking him, and shoving his fist into his face.

Sally didn't seem to notice, of corse.

Calvin then jumped off doctorstupid, and grabbed hold of Harry's robes.

"HE TRIED TO EAT ME!" He screamed in his face. "He was about to devour me!"

"He wasn't doing that! Quit screaming at me!" Harry yelled.

"He's dumb enough to!" Calvin yelled. "I caught him trying to eat a hose, last Tuesday!"

"Get off of me!" Harry said, pushing the maniac off him.

Calvin turned to Hobbes. "You can be my lawyer!" Calvin yelled. "We'll sue him for all that he owes!"

"No." Hobbes said.

Calvin glared at everybody, and sat back down.

* * *

Sally had returned to his seat, singing the Happy Snails theme song.

I'm Mister Happy Snails! And I like pudding!"

He then sat down next to Snape.

"Did you watch Happy Snails, yesterday?" He asked.

"No." Snape growled.

"It was good! It was where Mr Happy Snails defeated the evil Mr Bluebird, and saved Happy Snails Jr from total destruction!"

Snape got up, and moved his chair away from the stupid.


	15. Calvin and Hobbes meet Sirius Black

_Garfieldodie: Don't worry, Calvin will have his moment of glory soon. He's just exited because he's at Hogwarts_

_The Computer, which I use in this chapter, is a robot that I use in another story that I hope to put on Fictionpress._

After dinner, Calvin and Hobbes rushed back up to the Common room.

Energized from the candy and sugar, Calvin started jumping up and down on the chair.

He started having flashes between alter egos. Triggered by words.

For instance, when Ron said to Harry while doing homework, "I think the rat tail goes into the potion last."

Calvin started screaming at Ron, "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH SPACEMAN SPIFF YOU SQUIRMING MAGGOTS FROM ANOTHER GALAXY!"

Seconds later Ginny told Hermonie that Peeves had hexed her quill, Calvin started screaming at them, "YOUR UNDER ARREST! TRACER BULLET ALWAYS GETS HIS MAN! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PERFORMED THE CRIME! I GOT SOME QUESTIONS FOR **YOU!** HOW DID YOU DISPOSE OF THE BODY? AND LETS HEAR THE TRUTH, FOR ONCE, GINNY! IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME!"

Soon, the sugar hit the extra insanity button in Calvin's head, and things started getting interesting.

When a second year had asked Calvin about some homework, Calvin had started screaming something about tomato soup, Velociraptors, the month of September, and the number three.

Calvin had then spent the rest of the evening complaining about meaningless things. Such as a week should be thirteen days, calenders don't have enough pictures, and July 24, should have been a national holiday.

When Ron had told him to shut up, Calvin had said, "Don't worry, Run. I got good news!"

"What?" Ron sighed, rolling his eyes.

"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!" Calvin started laughing like a maniac, while Ron, who had never seen a Geico commercial, stared at him in confusion.

Just then, Sally came bursting into the common room.

Everybody stared at him.

"Double-door Has told me to read you a bedtime story!"

Everybody stared at him in disbelief.

"He told you to what!" Harry yelled.

"Well, Dumb-bell-door didn't tell me but I wanna, anyway!"

Everyone groaned.

Sally held up a book, and sat down in a lounge chair.

"Go read it to the Slytherins!" Calvin yelled.

"I already did." Sally grinned.

Hobbes' eyes widened.

"Ah, tell us of that interesting episode."

Everyone actually paid attention to Sally as he told what happened in the Slitherin common room.

* * *

Malfoy was talking with Crab and Goyle, when something with a red baseball cap burst into the room. 

"HEY YA'LL!" Screamed professor Stupid. "Guess what time it is!"

Sally received blank stares.

"It's time for Happy Snails!" Sally pranced around the room, and sat down in a chair.

"Gather 'round little kidlets." Sally yelled. "And I will weave a magical tale about Happy Snails Jr. and his loving parents, Mr. And Mrs. Happy Snails."

Blank stares.

"**O**nce upon a merry time, there lived three little snails. Little did they know that the evil Mr Bluebird was plotting against..."

Just then Malfoy started yelling.

"Get out of this room you big galoot!"

Sally stared at the pages.

He gasped.

"Could it be!"

Sally slammed the book shut on his nose.

"IT IS!"

Sally started dancing around the room.

He looked like ten warthogs who had just went insane.

"Happy Snails Junior has finally contacted me! After all these years of waiting!"

Sally started twiddling his fingers.

"They said it would never happen! They said I was crazy!"

Sally threw his head and arms back and laughed like a homicidal maniac who had just lost his something vital to his brain.

"THEY SHALL NEVER LAUGH AT ME AGAIN! I, SALLY M. DEAN, HAVE FINALLY BEEN CONTACTED BY THE HAPPY SNAILS!"

He started punching the air, while continuing to laugh like a maniac.

All over what Malfoy had said.

* * *

The ending of Sally's story put many Griffondors into disappointment, expecting Sally to have tortured them more. 

But many, Calvin for instance, were well satisfied.

Sally was about to read Happy Snails, when Calvin reminded him about something.

"Why Sally!" He said. "It's midnight! Don't you have to go teach chairs how to be just like you?"

Sally's Head shot up.

"Oh my gosh! I nearly forgot!" Sally burst from the common room, and rushed to his classroom.

The next day was your average day at Hogwarts.

Calvin tortured Sally. Sally banged his head against Snape's door, until Snape told him to get lost. And Sally just about burst into every lesson and ruined everything.

During potions, Sally burst into the room while Snape was trying to explain something out.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury!" Sally screamed. "This court is now called to order! The case of Mrs. Kljhlsefhdkghurydsmjgk4785sfdi574oejdfduds is now in order!"

Sally walked up to a shocked Snape and yelled.

"Will Mrs. Kljhlsefhdkghurydsmjgk4785sfdi574oejdfduds please take the stand?" He screamed.

Sally led some invisible person to Snape's desk.

"This is Mrs. Kljhlsefhdkghurydsmjgk4785sfdi574oejdfduds." Sally declared.

Sally turned to the desk.

"Hello Mrs. Kljhlsefhdkghurydsmjgk4785sfdi574oejdfduds." He said. "Please state your name."

Snape had obviously lost his patience with Sally judging by the way he threw him out the door.

* * *

At Divination things were really interesting. 

Just as Trawlarny was about to begin the class, Sally burst into the room.

"WELCOME ALL! WELCOME!" He screamed. "I CAME TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!"

He turned to Harry. Harry thought he was going to say something about Sirius, but instead, he screamed.

"ALL BOOTS ARE TEN PERCENT OFF! AND THE ANSWER TO LIFE'S RIDDLE IS CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP!"

Trawlarny seemed offended that Sally had burst in so suddenly.

"YOU THERE!" She screeched.

Sally turned around and stared. He took one look at her glasses that made her eyes look big, and screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Sally made a dive for the door, but Trawlarny stopped him.

"Wait!" She yelled. "I'm picking up a vision!"

Sally grinned at her.

"Does it have something to do with doorknobs?"

"No." she whispered, dramatically.

"Then I'm not interested!" Sally reached for the door, but Trawlarny grabbed his arm.

"You..." she said. "Are in mortal danger!"

Sally grinned.

"Really? I've always wanted to be a mortal. I don't have any idea what the dinger part at the end was, but you certainly sparked my interest."

Trawlarny wasn't expecting this reaction, so she didn't know what to do about it.

So she just threw Sally out the door.

Sally seemed to pop up everywhere each time making a bigger fool of himself.

One time while Sally was interrupting charms, Calvin slipped an electric collar on his neck.

"What if he takes it off?" Hobbes asked.

"What if a computer crashed into my head in three seconds?" Calvin asked.

"Good point." Hobbes said.

Whenever Sally showed up, Calvin pushed the button in the middle of his remote control thing.

He shocked Sally with 5,000 volts.

That was a sight to see.

"Hello students. OUCH! Today we will study... OUCH! ...the terror of... ACK! door knobs. YEEEE-YOUCH!"

Calvin got a big kick out of that.

With every "ouch" Calvin burst out with insane laughter.

At last, Sally's tiny brain realized what was on his neck, and he took it off.

"Today, students I'd like to introduce you to a dear friend of mine!"

Everybody looked up.

"Hey, Computer! Come on out!"

Just then, a tall, thin, silver robot stepped out from behind the curtain. He looked like Sally turned into a robot. He had a stupid grin on his face, a long nose, some bolts in his legs, and a screw on head.

"HELLO EVERYBODY!" The robot screamed in a voice so much similar to Sally's. "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF! I AM THE COMPUTER ROBOT! MADE AND MANUFACTURED IN A SECRET LABORATORY IN SOME 12 YEAR OLD'S ROOM!"

Everybody stared at the Computer.

He and Sally were both staring off into space with their tongues hanging out.

"Great!" Calvin yelled. "One of you is bad enough! Now we've got another one!"

Sally and the Computer both walked over to the desk.

The Computer turned a grin on everybody.

"I will now walk among the tables of justice and meet you all!"

The Computer conveniently walked over to Calvin's desk first.

"Hello!" He yelled. "And what is your name, little gift from above?"

Calvin pushed a button on the Computer's head.

At once, his head exploded.

"I must say, this is more fun than torturing a human moron!" Calvin grinned.

The Computer then walked over to Ron.

"Looky!" The Computer screamed. "It's a kid with red dots all over his face!"

The Computer squinted at Ron, who's ears were turning red with anger.

"Ah-HA!" He screamed. "The clues are piling together!"

Detective Stupid paced back and forth in front of Ron's desk.

"His hair is red, He is glaring at me like a cobra that's cornering its meal, Happy Snails in fifteen minutes, and YES! Yuickoies were made in New Jersey!"

The Computer made a very serious expression, and turned to Sally.

"Is it serious, doctor?" Sally asked.

"I am afraid so!" The Computer nodded.

It's quite interesting how idiots communicate.

"I'll get the chainsaw!" Sally sobbed, walking off.

The Computer approached Malfoy.

"How cute." He said, idiotically, walking on.

He came to Hermonie.

"Hello! Sally has told me a lot about you! You're the one who's always confusing us!"

Hermonie glared at him.

The Computer then approached Harry's desk.

His eyes widened.

"Gasp! Could it be?"

Harry's eyes squeezed shut.

"It is the all famous one!" The Computer ran over. "Jim Carrey, right?"

Harry's eyes flew open.

"Who?" Harry asked.

"You're the one who invented cottage cheese!" The computer screamed.

And with that he approached Hobbes' desk.

"And you, judging by your size, are Orson Wells!"

Hobbes leaped into the middle of the robot, and began rearranging parts of his body.

Right when he was done, Sally returned with a keyboard.

"I got the chainsaw!" He screamed, happily.

Sally faced the Computer. His leg was where his head was supposed to be, one of his arms was stuck where his feet belong, his other leg was replaced with his head, and there was another leg sticking out where his arm should have been.

There was another unsuccessful search for Sirius that day. Sally was no help whatsoever as Harry continued to search in vain for Sirius.

"Fluffy Bunny," Sally said, stupidly.

* * *

That night there was more commotion in the common room. 

"BEWARE MY MIGHTY FIST!" Calvin screamed in his stupendous man outfit. "I HAVE THE POWERS OF A MILLION MORTAL MEN!"

Harry was watching the Maurader's map for entertainment.

He watched the dot marked SALLY DEAN being thrown around by another dot marked PEEVES.

Finally, the group in the common room began to break up, and soon only Calvin and Hobbes were left in the common room.

Calvin was reading a comic book he had packed, and Hobbes was sleeping in the chair next to him. It was around midnight.

Calvin hadn't even yawned yet.

His eyes were glued on the comic book.

Hobbes was quietly snoring next to him.

Just then, the fire in the fireplace roared to life, waking Hobbes, and bringing Calvin out of his comic book trance.

"Hobbes!" Calvin spat. "I told you to brush your teeth! Now you just made a fire come up. Moron."

"My breath doesn't do that!" Hobbes said, stiffly. "It must have been your breath because you never..."

Just then, a small voice came out of the fireplace.

It was faint at first, but then it sounded loud and clear.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the fire in confusion and shock.

"Look, now you've offended it!" Calvin yelled. Hobbes shushed him.

The voice was coming in and out. Like a badly tuned radio.

"Help... can't hold on... Harry!..."

"My hand isn't hairy!" Calvin spat at the fire. "The nerve of that talking fire!"

"Shut up, and listen!" Hobbes spat.

Calvin turned his attention back to the fire.

The voice continued.

"I can smell them. Especially... night."

"See Hobbes?" Calvin spat. "He's offended by your breath!"

The voice went on. "...grave danger. Please hel... me!"

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"What's wrong?" Calvin asked the fire.

"They're here." The voice said. "They know who ... are! ... know where we are."

"Who?" Hobbes asked.

"them!" The voice shuddered.

"Oh, I hate it when strange voices avoid the truth at all costs!" Calvin spat. "Who's them?"

"The..."

"The what? Describe them?" Hobbes said. "Demenors? Death Eaters? Throw us a bone!"

"...can't... indescribable... always eating... I'm next!"

"Ok." Calvin said. "So far he's described things that are always eating. Perhaps Garfield is holding him prisoner."

The voice went on.

"They're coming! ...Help!"

"We'll help ya." Calvin yawned. "First we must know where ya are. Give us some directions."

"...don't know... where... am."

"Terrific." Calvin said. "He wants us to come to him, but he doesn't know where he is."

"Describe where you are." Hobbes said.

The voice answered immediately.

"...darkness... spiders... skeletons... their whispers all around ...'e."

"Uh-huh." Calvin said. "That's interesting."

"Who's whispering?" Hobbes asked.

"The M...s"

"Now we're getting somewhere!" Calvin grinned. "Begins with an M. Muppets?"

"Calvin please." Hobbes said. "The muppets wouldn't take this strange voice and eat him."

"I give up." Calvin said.

"Help." the voice said, starting to fade.

"Who are you?" Hobbes asked into the fire.

There was a moment of silence in which the fire crackled.

The voice said something but it was garbled.

"...s ...ack!"

"What? Didn't quite catch that." Hobbes said.

The voice said it again this time clearer.

"SIRIUS BLACK!" And with that, the fire dropped, and went out, completely, leaving two shocked students in their chairs.


	16. Consulting the Stupid Hunk of Metal

_Swing123: I'm sorry about the major holdup on this story. I had been having some extreme writer's block with it, and I just gave up, three months ago. However, I have the story back in progress and with an ending coming soon.

* * *

_

Calvin looked at Hobbes. And Hobbes looked at Calvin.

There was a long throbbing moment of silence.

"Well, this is certainly shocking." Calvin said. "Do you know what this means, Hobbes?"

"Not really."

"It means that Serious Back is still alive! And he did... something. And the muppets are holding him prisoner!"

"What should we do about it?" Hobbes asked.

"Unless my keen ears had mistaken me," Calvin whispered. "Harry and Professor Brick were searching for What's his name with some kind of potion thingy."

"Uh huh." Hobbes said, tapping his chin. "So what'll we do, about it?"

"Well, we're gonna have to go figure out how to find Serious, of corse!"

"No." Hobbes said.

"Oh come on, Hobbes! It'll be fun!"

"I'll bet."

"We'll need Harry's invisible blanket thing, though."

Calvin leaped to his feet.

"Let's go become heros, Hobbes!"

Hobbes sighed, and stood out of the chair.

"Shouldn't you ask Harry before you take his cloak?" He asked.

"Nah, he'll never miss it. Come on."

Calvin and Hobbes rushed upstairs into the bedrooms. Everyone was asleep, of corse, and Calvin began searching the room.

When, he finally found it, he drug Hobbes out of the closet, and forced him to take part in his lunatic idea.

Calvin and Hobbes slowly exited the common room.

Calvin in the front, and Hobbes in the rear making sure...

Calvin grabbed Hobbes, and stopped him from running off.

Finally, they reached Captain Dumbbell's office.

Calvin peeked inside.

Yep. Sally was there. Would you like to guess what he was doing?

Staring off into space, and drooling. And one was finger crammed up his nose.

Calvin and Hobbes slowly crept across the office.

They finally came to the room with the white potion in it.

Calvin threw the cloak off, and ran up to the potion.

"Oo-kay! How the heck does this thing work?" Calvin asked staring into the pot.

"I dunno." Hobbes said. "Maybe it's voice activated."

"HEY YOU!" Calvin bellowed into the potion. "SHOW ME WHAT I WANT OR I WILL _DESTROY _YOU!"

You can guess what good _that_ did. None. Zilch. Nadda.

"Maybe you should say please." Hobbes said.

"Hobbes, it's a potion. It doesn't care if you say please!"

"Yeah but, it might."

"It won't. Now please hush."

Calvin spun around to the potion.

He screamed at it, yelled at it, kicked it, punched it, foamed at the mouth, until he was too tired to continue.

Panting for breath, Calvin leaned against the cauldron.

Hobbes blinked.

"Here, let me try." He offered.

Still panting, Calvin glared at Hobbes.

"_You!_ Pant, pant. If I couldn't... pant, pant... do it, what makes you think you... pant, pant... can!"

"I'm going to say please to it." Hobbes said.

Calvin choked down his laughter, and stepped aside so Hobbes could walk up to it.

Hobbes approached the potion, and cleared his throat.

"AHEM! Mr Potion? Would you please show us where Mr Serious So forth is?"

At Hobbes' words, the potion started to churn, bubble, and make potiony sounds.

Hobbes grinned over at Calvin.

"I did it, Calvin! Are you proud of me?"

Calvin's eyes shot from the potion to Hobbes, then back to the potion.

"Hobbes? Sometimes I think you're trying to make a mockery of my life."

To which Hobbes answered, "Oh, thanks, me too."

Calvin muttered and grumbled, and walked over to the caldron with Hobbes.

LOCTATION OF SERIOUS SO FORTH: **Somewhere in some veil over in The Department of Secrets and Mysteries.**

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the potion.

"Was that any help?" Calvin asked.

"Not really." Hobbes said.

Calvin turned an angry glare onto the potion.

"WHERE _IS_ HE, YOU OVERGROWN COOKING POT!"

The potion went blank.

Calvin started raging, again, until Hobbes said something nice to the potion and caused it to come up, again.

LOCATION OF OVERGROWN COOKING POT: **Los Angeles, California**

Silence filled the room.

Calvin's eyes slammed shut.

"Um, OK." Hobbes said. "But we're looking for Serious Back. Ya know, he can turn into a dog?

LOCATION OF SERIOUS, BLACK, DOG: **Miami, Florida**

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Calvin screamed. "WE WANT SIRIUS BLACK, YOU STUPID HUNK OF METAL!"

LOCATION OF STUPID HUNK OF METAL: **Las Vegas, Nevada**

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Calvin bellowed. "SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK! **_SIRIUS BLACK!_**"

The potion went blank.

"FIND SIRIUS BLACK ALREADY, YOU IDIOT!"

Can you guess what the potion found then?

LOCATION OF IDIOT: **Hogwarts, London, Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.**

"Gee, I can't tell if the potion was talking about _you_ or Sally." Hobbes said.

"SHUT UP!" Calvin screamed.

LOCATION OF SHUT UP: **Houston, Texas**

"OK! THAT'S IT!" Calvin screamed at the potion. "YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

Calvin grabbed a bottle of Pepto-bismal off the shelf and prepared to pour it into the caldron.

Then, the caldron finally said, LOCATION OF SIRIUS BLACK: **Department of Secrets and Mysteries, some veil, left door with the hand on it**

Calvin chuckled, and placed the bottle back onto the shelf.

"You just have to know how to handle these smart elec potions." He chuckled.

LOCATION OF SMART ELECT POTION: **Beijing, China**

"Shut up." Calvin growled at the potion, placing one hand on the Pepto-bismal, again.

YES, SIR.

And so, Calvin and Hobbes slipped the cloak back on, and walked out of the office. Making sure that they made all the noise they possibly could when they were passing Sally.

When they finally got back to the bedrooms, Calvin fished through all the stuff he had brought with him.

"Let's see here." Calvin muttered. "We better take the MTM with us on this journey. And maybe the Time Pauser just to be safe. And perhaps the Transmogrifier Gun too, and the Hypercube and the Mini Duplicator and my wand, and your wand, and the... oh, what the heck?"

Calvin took his blue duffel bag, and turned it upside down, spilling all his inventions into the Time Machine.

"What are you doing?" Hobbes asked.

"Why preparing for the trip, of corse!"

"Calvin, if you think I'm going to go to some creepy veil in some creepy department, to some creepy door, then you're very much mistaken."

"Oh come on, Hobbes, I have all my inventions to protect me... um, I mean us!"

"I'm not feeling any better."

"Everything'll be fine," Calvin said, waving his hand, impatiently. "We go, we get Mr to Serious for his own good, we leave! Simple as that!"

"Yeah, but you forgot the 'climatic battle' part with the deadly somethings whose name's starts with Ms."

"Oh you worry too much." Calvin said. "Get into the Time Machine."

Hobbes sighed, and got into the machine.

Calvin engaged the engine, popped the clutch, and the machine rose into the air.

"Yeah, but we only have one problem." Hobbes said. "What'll we do if we _do_ meet the whatevers?"

"Are you kidding?" Calvin asked. "We'll panic, run around in circles, and scream like a bunch loons."

"Great."

Calvin engaged the hyperdrive, and the two blasted out the window.

That probably wasn't the smartest thing they ever did.


	17. Inside the Room of Doom

Harry, Ron, Hermonie, and everyone else had been embraced in wonderful sleep for the night, and were all having wonderous dreams... until something very loud woke them all up.

"COCK A DOODLE DOO!" Sally screamed, exploding into the Boy's Dorm. "WAKEY WAKEY! THE SUN ISN'T UP, YET, BUT SOME BIG IMPORTANT GUY ONCE SAID, EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE MAKES A MAN HEALTHY, WEALTHY... and something else. SO UP AND AT EM!"

Everyone glared at Sally through half open eyes.

Sally gave everyone a big grin.

Ron shoved the alarm clock into Sally's face.

"**_IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!_**" He yelled.

Sally's grin increased.

"Yes, well, if one went to market, and the other followed in a tutu, then It's a sure fire sign that the Happy Snails eat Cheese Logs every Friday!"

There was a long moment of silence.

All eyes were staring at Sally as if he was some kind bug. That had gone insane.

Sally stared down at them with his usual stupid grin. The little simpleton.

Finally, Ron spoke.

"Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?" he demanded, angrily.

"Not until four." Sally said.

Suddenly, Everyone in the room (except Sally for obvious reasons) became aware that Calvin hadn't started screaming and yelling at Sally, and bulging out his eyeballs, and throwing his arms in all directions, and putting spells on Sally, and so on.

Everyone turned to Calvin's bed. The curtains were drawn, and no one could see inside.

Slowly, Calvin's bed mate, pulled the curtains back, and revealed... Well not much. A bed frame, two pillows, a mattress, several sheets, and a blanket.

Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

Then everyone noticed that... hmmm... Calvin's duffle bag and cardboard box was gone.

All eyes turned back to Sally.

"Sally, did you see Calvin coming up here?" Ron asked.

"Grasshoppers fly banana airplanes." Sally replied.

"What am I doing?" Ron asked, turning a look on Harry.

Just then, and right on cue, Professor McGonnagal burst into the bedroom.

"SALLY!" She screeched. "Stop bothering the students and get back into bed!"

"Oh yeah!" Sally yelled, spinning around. "Well, Don't bother ma'am! We know all about the porkchop on the eighth floor!"

McGonnagal stared at him.

"What?" She asked.

"Don't bother to deny it!" Sally spat. "We've followed all the turnip greens, and it leads right to Disney World! Your in the Nile, Ronald!"

Harry had heard just about enough of Sally's sermon, so he interrupted them.

"Professor!" He called. "Have you seen Calvin?"

McGonnagal turned a glare on Harry.

"I haven't seen him since nine. Why?"

"He's gone." Ron said. "And so's his stuff."

There was a moment of silence.

McGonnagal's eyes rolled into the back of her head.

"I knew he would do this." She muttered. "Why can't we just have a calm year here for once? That stupid kid..."

Meanwhile, Sally stood in the middle of the room, looking simple, with his eyes crossed, and staring at his nose with a big grin on his face.

"Where could he have gone?" Ron asked, scratching his head. "He wouldn't just run off for no reason."

"He went to the Department of Secrets and Mysteries." McGonnagal muttered.

All eyes stared at the teacher.

"How do you know?" Ron asked.

"I just do." McGonnagal said. "He's trying to find Sirius Black."

Harry and Ron's eyes bulged.

"He's _WHAT!_"

McGonnagal turned a sharp glare onto Harry.

"Now listen here." She warned. "The Headmaster and I will take care of this! Don't try and take matters into your own hands. Again."

And with that, she left room.

Dragging Sally by the feet out with her.

Harry and Ron exchanged glances, again.

* * *

"OK, Hobbes, here's the plan!" Calvin was explaining. "When we reach the Department of so forth, we'll storm in, secure the area, yell 'FREEZE TURKEYS! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!' and dramatically save Serious from the M... from the blanks."

"Uh huh."

"And if we happen to run into the Muh... into the whatevers, then we'll whip out my trusty Time Pauser and freeze them in time stop. Or, we could take the Transmogrifier gun, and turn them into little squeaking mice! Or, we could take the MTM and..."

"Why do we have you use your perilous inventions?" Hobbes asked. "Why can't we just use our wands against them?"

"Because magic doesn't usually work on mysterious M starting with creatures unless you think real hard about happy thoughts, or something. Hobbes, I have no time for such work. I'm a very busy man."

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Furthermore, Using my inventions makes everything cool."

"And hazardous to my health." Hobbes added.

"Oh, shut up." Calvin muttered.

Finally, Calvin came to the phone booth that led to the Ministry of Magic. However, Calvin didn't have time to punch in the numbers required, so Calvin just hit a few buttons, and the box phased through the booth and into the Ministry.

"HA!" Calvin yelled, turning to Hobbes. "Let's see Harry do _that!_"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

Calvin continued down the corridors in the box until they came to a door marked "Department of Secrets and Mysteries."

"Ya know, considering that this place is a top secret organization of doom, you'd think they could come up with a better name than 'Department of Secrets of Mysteries'."

"Why?" Hobbes asked. "What would you call it?"

"The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Place!" Calvin said, opening the door.

"Of corse." Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.

Calvin and Hobbes floated into the first room of the DOSAM.

The first room happened to be a circular place filled with doors.

Calvin and Hobbes looked around in all directions.

"Uuuhhh..." Calvin said, rolling his eyes around.

"Gee whiz, a guy could get lost in here!" Hobbes said.

Suddenly, the room started spinning. Slowly at first, but them fast.

"YAAAAAAAH!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed as they tumbled around the spinning room.

Finally, the whirling stopped, and Calvin and Hobbes found them selves turned around, so to speak.

"Oh great!" Calvin yelled. "How are we going to find that stupid veil with all these idiotic doors around us?"

"I dunno." Hobbes said.

Calvin muttered, and grumbled, and fished through his inventions.

He pulled his MTM out of the pile, and typed a message into the computer.

_Where the heck is that stupid veil?_

There was a moment of silence. Then a message came back.

_For English, please press one._

Calvin blinked.

He shoved the MTM back into the pile, and turned to Hobbes.

"OK, Hobbes, the MTM isn't helping here."

"That's heart breaking." Hobbes said.

"I'm afraid we're just going to have to leap into random doors, and hope there's no three headed dogs behind them."

"Terrific."

"And we might just find ourselves in a combat situation."

"Uh huh."

"And maybe _you'd _like to go first."

"Yeah, or maybe I wouldn't."

"WHAT!"

"I said, Oh boy. Combat. Oh goody."

"That's the spirit!" Calvin yelled.

And with that, Calvin pushed the steering wheel forward, and roared through the door in front of them.

There, they found no three headed dogs, but a staircase leading straight downward.

Calvin licked his lips, and pushed a lever forward.

The motor hummed as Calvin lowered the Time Machine to the ground.

Finally, he reached the ground, and he looked around.

Hmmm. This appeared to be a fairly empty room with a couple of stools and a table.

But nothing of any particular intres... hmmm Was that a tapestry?

Calvin eased the Time Machine forward, and approached a veil.

It was swaying, slightly, although there wasn't any wind in the room. There wasn't any wind in any room. There is no room on Earth with wind in it, so why the heck was that thing being blown around?

Not that Calvin cared, you see, because, all at once, he and Hobbes had become aware of whispers coming from behind the veil.

Calvin looked over at Hobbes.

"Hobbes," He whispered. "Do you hear something?"

"Yeah. Whispering."

"So do I. Do you know what this means?"

"No."

"Do you want to?"

"No."

"Too bad, I'm telling you anyway."

Calvin lowered his voice.

"Unless I'm badly mistaken Hobbes, the blanks are behind that veil! Whispering, and doing creepy stuff!"

"Marvelous." Hobbes said.

"Let's take the Time Pauser, and quickly get past them." Calvin said, grabbing the Time Pauser.

"This is isn't comforting me any."

Calvin hit the button.

_**BOOM!**_

There was a loud explosion, and a flash of light, and suddenly, the veil froze in mid shiver, and the whispering came to a stop.

Calvin gave Hobbes a thumbs up.

Hobbes didn't return it.

Slowly, Calvin eased the Time Machine forward.

He swatted the tapestry out of the way, and revealed a long stone hallway.

"Hmmm." Calvin said. "No Ms."

Calvin continued down the corridor.

Hobbes insisting on checking the Time Pauser to make sure time was still off.

After a while, they reached large room with human skeletons littering the ground.

"Gee." Calvin said. "I must find their designer."

The motor on the Time Machine continued to hum as Calvin slowly urged it forward.

"Do you think we should call for Serious?" Calvin asked.

"Are you mad?" Hobbes demanded. "That'll call the Ms over here!"

"Yeah well, it's not like my inventions can't save me.

"Yes it is." Hobbes said.

"Shush." Calvin spat. "We better turn time back on. We don't want to run out of batteries."

Calvin picked up his Time Pauser, and hit the button.

_**BOOM!**_

There was another explosion, and a flash of light, and time turned back... oops.

All at once, the sounds of whispering filled Calvin and Hobbes' ears.

And in case you haven't been whispered to in the middle of a dark and spooky room, then believe me; It's very annoying.

Calvin fumbled with the Time Pauser, and Hobbes ducked down into the Time Machine, and out of sight.

And did I mention the smell? I didn't? Hmmm. Well, let's just say it was really, really stinky in there.

"Relax, Hobbes." Calvin said, suddenly. "Look at this."

Hobbes peeked out from inside the box.

"What?" He asked.

"The whispering isn't even in this room!" Calvin grinned. "See? It's in the room, NEXT to us!"

"How alleviating." Hobbes said, angrily.

"Now come on, we have to find Mr Serious."

Calvin and Hobbes looked all around the room.

It was a big room, you see, and there were several dark corners where Calvin couldn't see into without the MTM's flashlight.

Soon, they had covered about nine tenths of the room, but still had no luck.

"This is hopeless!" Calvin yelled. "We're never going to find that dumb dog! This place is _huge!_"

"Yes well, he has to be around here, somewhere." Hobbes said.

"Yeah well he's not." Calvin said. "Let's go."

Calvin turned the steering wheel, and made a full turn around to the south.

He started to move forward.

Suddenly, and all of a sudden, a large grey hand reached out of the darkness, and grabbed the Time Machine!

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed.

The hand started to pull the box toward the darkest, spookiest corner of the room.

And Calvin had no intention on seeing what the hand was connected to.

He grabbed the gear shift, yes, the box had a gear shift, pushed it forward, set the thing in reverse, and hit full throttle.

Fire blasted out of the engine, as Calvin, Hobbes, the box, and the hand flew in all directions, and attempted to escape.

Too late.

Before Calvin could rip the box free, the grimy hand yanked him and Hobbes into the spooky spookiness of the dark.

Uh oh.

Were Calvin and Hobbes devoured right there, by the hideous M things?

Well, don't expect _me_ to tell you. Keep reading the story, and find out, yourself.


	18. And They're Called!

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed, throwing their arms in all directions, and trying to run around in circles inside the box.

The hand yanked the box into the inky blackness of the dark. Then, it spoke.

The thing with the hand. Not the hand. Hands can't talk.

Here is a direct quote of what the thing said.

"_SHUT UP, ALREADY! THEY'LL HEAR YOU!_"

Hobbes was the first one to stop screaming, and roll his eyes around to the thing that had pulled them aside.

"Calvin?" Hobbes asked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Oh, Calvin? I believe we've found Serious."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Calvin, you're beginning to annoy me."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"For crying out, Calvin, take a breath in before you pass out!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Hobbes slapped Calvin upside the head, and he finally stopped screaming.

He stared at the thing in front of him.

Hmm. It looked a lot like...

"SERIOUS SO FORTH!" Calvin bellowed. "YOU'RE ALIVE! And... hmmm. You looked better in the movie."

Sirius did look a little ragged. On the other hand, who wouldn't if you'd been trapped in some veil for several months?

Sirius was about to say something, when Calvin cut him off.

"Ehp, ehp, ehp!" He yelled. "Before we go ANY farther, I want you to tell us what that M spells! I am SICK of the awkward blanks at the beginning of their names!"

"Huh?" Sirius asked.

"He wants to know who has you trapped here." Hobbes said. "Who smell bad. And eat all the time. Their names begin with M."

Sirius' eyes widened.

"Oh. Those. They're called..."

"WAIT!" Calvin yelled, holding his arms up. "Pause here for dramatic effect!"

There was a moment of silence, in which Sirius and Hobbes stared at Calvin as if he was some kind of lunatic.

Then, Sirius finished his sentence.

"They're called Mack..."

But before he could finish, there was a loud BANG, and footsteps coming towards the door.

Calvin and Hobbes' gaze went from Sirius to the door some fifty feet away, then back to Sirius.

Sirius' eyes were the size of dinner plates.

"They're _coming!_ They're coming to get me!"

"Yes, people usually accuse the bad guys of coming to finish them off, when they've been in dark rooms for months." Calvin said, turning to Hobbes.

Hobbes blinked.

Sirius started to back up into the wall. Once at the wall he... hmm. vanished.

That was odd.

But anyway, the Mack-blank things finally entered the room.

Calvin started searching the Time Machine for his Time Pauser.

Then, there was dry, raspy voice.

"_SIRIUS BLACK!_"

That did it.

Calvin decided to skip the Time Pauser and just make a new door in the wall.

Yes sir. If Calvin couldn't find help, he'd have to help himself.

Calvin hit full throttle on all engines, and roared for the wall and...

_**CRASH!**_

...Nearly broke his neck, without making the slightest impression on the stupid wall.

What was Hobbes doing during all this? To tell you the truth, I have no idea. He just seemed to vanish after the Mack thing entered the room. Calvin has no idea how Hobbes does that. If he did know then he would've... well, tried it himself.

Anyway, the sound made from the impact on the wall drew the attention the whatever, and it began slinking for Calvin.

Calvin sat in the Time Machine, watching the stars and checkers float around his head, until heard the footsteps that the something was coming.

Uh oh.

Calvin leaped to his feet, and started hitting buttons on the Time Machine's control panel.

The motor started humming, and Calvin sailed into the air.

Calvin also turned on the lasers.

Red lights exploded out of the Time Machine as the thrusters propelled Calvin around the room.

As the lasers hit the ground, sending dust flying, the air was suddenly filled with the sound of hissing and screeching.

However, Calvin didn't care _what_ the Macks were doing, he just wanted to find a way out.

He started hitting buttons on the control panel.

Two large ray guns extended themselves from each side of the machine.

Calvin hit a large green button, and the guns started firing thick light blue beams.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZAP!

There was an explosion, and a cloud of dust, and a hole appeared where the lasers had touched down.

Calvin stuck his tongue out at the Macks.

"HA!" He screamed at them. "TAKE _THAT!_ And furthermore, Your mother wore army boots!"

Calvin drew the lasers back into the machine, and tilted it to the side, as he rocketed into the hole in a blast of smoke.

Calvin then found himself in a long tunnel.

He continued flying down it, until he reached another room.

Would you like to guess who he found there?

Sirius and Hobbes, both standing in the room, and staring at Calvin.

"Hi, Calvin." Hobbes said. "Did you beat the Macks?"

"Yes, I'll have you know I _did!_" Calvin spat. "I used my amazing magic powers to ward them off into the black pit from wherever they came from! No thanks to any of _you_ chickens!"

"No thanks, I'm stuffed." Hobbes said.

"What?"

"I can't remember what I said."

"Then shut up."

At that very moment, the sound of footsteps reached Calvin, Hobbes, and Sirius' ears.

Hobbes gave Calvin a glare.

"I thought you said you warded them off." He said.

"I was misquoted, Hobbes. It happens all the time."

"We have to get rid of them, somehow." Sirius panted.

"I have a suggestion." Calvin grinned.

He fished around through his box through his inventions.

He ripped out his Mini Duplicator.

Hobbes and Sirius stared at it.

"Calvin," Hobbes muttered. "What good is _that_ possibly going to do?"

"Observe." Calvin grinned.

He pointed one end of the pencil at the doorway.

Boink.

Nothing happened.

Hobbes' eyes squeezed shut.

Calvin's grin however, remained.

He pressed the button again, and again, and again.

Boink, boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink

Hobbes and Sirius watched.

Do you know what Calvin was doing? HE WAS DUPLICATING THE SAND FLOOR!

The floor, you see, was made of soft sand, and Calvin was using the duplicator to duplicate it.

Soon there was a huge mountain of sand covering the doorway.

Calvin chuckled, and blew smoke off his Mini Duplicator.

"Heh, heh. Let's see the Macks get through _that!_"

"They have the strength of two hundred Oxen." Sirius said.

"_NOW_ he tells me." Calvin muttered.

At that very moment, the whatevers reached the blocked doorway.

They obviously didn't like that decoration, so they started tearing it down.

The sand was beginning to collapse.

The trio watched.

"Well," Calvin said. "OK, Sirius. You're the survivor expert here. What do we do know?"

Calvin couldn't believe Sirius' answer.

"Well, we're dead. We're finished."

Calvin's head, shot around, and stared at him.

"What do you _mean_ we're finished! What about all your survival technics! What about your stupid wand!"

Sirius gave him a sad stare.

"Wands don't work on them. I used it as a bluff. It works on humans but not on Mackmals. _nothing_ works on Mackmals."

"They're called Mackmals?" Calvin asked.

"You can make a run for it, though." Sirius said. "They wont follow you."

Calvin stared at him.

"Make a... hmmm, that sounds tempting."

Hobbes instantly climbed into the box.

Calvin's eyes shot from Sirius to the ever approaching Mackmals then back to Sirius.

"Well, OK." he said. "I'm sure Harry will disappointed, but the world's full of disappointments. I guess. I have mixed feelings about running out on you like this, Sirius, but I think I can live with my feelings."

Sirius waved goodbye.

Calvin hit the TURBO button, and the box roared away.

They flew for about six seconds until Calvin's TURBO mode turned mush.

He stopped the machine.

"Hobbes, I just can't do it." He said. "Mr Serious needs our help! And I plan to give it to him!"

"Yeah, I kinda figured you'd choose to do it, that way." Hobbes said. "That's why I didn't protest."

Calvin turned the box around, and started streaking back for the Department of Secrets and Mysteries.

He zoomed back through the doors, into the veil, into the room, down the tunnel and into the room where Sirius had, uh, set up his camp.

Calvin's box floated into the room and it was then that he saw...

OH NO!

CALVIN AND HOBBES CAME FACE TO FACE WITH THE _MACKMALS!_


	19. Conversation with the Mackmals

Meanwhile, the teachers had been holding a meeting in the Great Hall.

All the students were banned.

"What do we propose we do, headmaster?" McGonnagal asked.

Dumbledore sighed.

"Well, I'm sure we all knew he was going to do this." He said. "Which is the trouble with Calvin. He's too brave for his own good. I suggest we put this to a vote."

Everyone looked around.

"Sally?" Dumbledore asked. "What do you think?"

Sally had been staring off into space.

When he heard his name being called, he blinked his eyes, and gawked at the circle of teachers who were staring at him.

"Uuh, uh...um..." He immediately got stage fright. "UH! UMMM! _**UH!**_ ... TWENTY FOUR!"

There was a throbbing moment of silence.

Snape slapped his forehead.

"Headmaster?" he hissed. "May I please do something cruel to this moron?"

Dumbledore gave Sally a calm stare.

"We're talking about your vote, Sally." he said.

Sally blinked.

He leaped up, and screamed, "WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO! IF I AM ELECTED, I SHALL BRING PEACE TO ALL THE UNIVERSE! I WILL MAKE THE STUDENTS DO SEVERAL CHORUSES TO THE _HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY_ THEME SONG AT THE BEGINNING OF EACH CLASS, AND AT BREAKFAST LUNCH AND SUPPER I SHALL SERVE BURNT TOAST, RAW BACON, AND STEAK FAT! SO WHEN YOU GO INTO THAT BOOTH TOMORROW, BE SURE TO VOTE FOR SALLY M. DEAN!"

Fireworks started going off behind Sally's back, and a banner saying VOTE FOR SALLY fell from the ceiling joists and unraveled itself behind him.

Everyone stared at him.

Sally then went around the Great Hall looking for babies to kiss.

When he didn't find any, he started putting pins on everybody's cloaks that said, "VOTE FOR SALLY!"

Sally was being his usual idiot self, in other words.

And no, I don't know where he got those pins so fast.

Harry, Ron, and Hermonie had been watching from behind the door.

When Snape had finally broke, and started firing curses at Sally, Everybody ducked their heads out of the room.

"We have to go after them!" Harry hissed.

"McGonnagal said they'd take care of it." Ron said.

"AND ALWAYS REMEMBER DECEMBER THAT SALLY IS A WONDERFUL CHEERILY MAKER PERSON!"

"_ALARIOUS!_"

_**ZAP!**_

"OK, scratch that, these people will be no help, whatsoever." Ron said.

"What are we going to do?" Hermonie asked.

"We're going to go on our brooms." Harry whispered. "Come lets go."

And with that, they raced upstairs.

* * *

Shall I describe the Mackmals? They were wearing black robes, and boots. Their hands were skinny and white. They were more like a cat's paws, than hands. They had red eyes staring out at the world from inside their hood, and razor sharp teeth that gleamed in the darkness.

There were two of them, and they were staring down at Sirius with hungry eyes.

Calvin eased the Time Machine forward, past Sirius and up to the two Mackmals.

He gave them a wide grin.

"Hey guys! How ya doing! I've been looking everywhere for ya. HEY! Ya found my human! Thanks a bunch guys. I'd love to stay and chat, but I got places to go and..."

The Mackmals started laughing. It was a rapsy, dry laugh. Much like their voice. Then, they spoke.

Normally, they would've spoke a more deadly sounding language, but they could speak English too. Just not to well. English made them sound... well, pretty stupid, actually. but believe me, they were more intelligent than you could believe.

"AH HA HA HA! Human pretty stupid because Mackmal not give up human! And not give up box of humans too! Because box gave big insults to Mackmal Momma!"

"I did?" Calvin asked. "No, that wasn't me, I can't think of... Oh you might mean Susie. She's usually like that, gives out insults left and right without thinking about who's she's giving them to, and gee whiz, Suise has several ..."

"Mackmal not give a hoot for gee whiz." The creature snarled. "Now it time for eat!"

"Eat?" Calvin asked. "No thanks, I'm stuffed, couldn't hold another bite. And furthermore, I don't think I caught your name. What was it, again? My name's Calvin."

"Name Raxton!" The Mackmal announced. "This brother Gripton!"

"Uh." The other Mackmal snorted.

Calvin blinked.

"Uh huh." Calvin said. "I see. Hey guys, I hate to tell you this, but I'm not even a little bit scared of you. Do I look scared?"

The Mackmals studied Calvin.

"Not looking scared. Looking stupid."

"Yes, but the point is that I don't look scared because I'm _not_ scared. And I'm not scared because I know something you don't know. And because you don't know it, Raxton, it follows from simple logic that YOU are scared."

The Mackmals got a huge laugh out of that.

"Malvin talk stupider and stupidest! Mackmal not scared of nothing. Love to fight, and eat, and beat up whole world, oh boy, and maybe eat Malvin for breakfast, too!"

Gripton and Raxton laughed insanely.

Calvin joined in.

Hobbes and Sirius exchanged glances.

"I don't think this is going to work." Sirius said.

Calvin ignored him.

"Yes but you're forgetting one small detail, Raxton. Knowledge is power, don't you see. So if I know something you don't know, then I'm stronger than you. And if I'm stronger than you, then there's nothing you can do to me, right?"

Gripton and Raxton stopped laughing.

They glared at Calvin.

"What Malvin know that Mackmal don't know!" Raxton demanded.

"Well, If I told you, then you would know, and I'd loose my power."

"Uh. But if Malvin not tell, Mackmal not believe and maybe eat Malvin anyway! Along with tiger and black haired man!"

"Hmm, I hadn't thought of that." Calvin said. "Okay, I'll tell you. but you must solemnly swear never to use it against me, because, well, that would be cheating. Can you do that?"

"Ha. Mackmal good for cheating!"

"No, I mean solemnly swearing."

"Uh. Mackmal not so good for solemmnly swearing."

"But you must solemnly swear or I wont tell you." Calvin said. "You have to take the whole deal, or nothing at all."

The Mackmals went into a huddle, and talked it back and forth. In their native tongue by the way. And when Calvin heard bits and pieces of that language, it made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. It was scary. It sounded like a snake hissing.

Then Raxton turned to Calvin, and said, "Mackmal have big conference. Decide to take hole deal!"

"Alright!" Calvin said. "First, raise your left paws."

Raxton shook his head.

"Not pause. Go right into hole deal with Sommenly swear."

Calvin held his hands up.

"No, no, you missed my whole point!"

"Not point at Mackmal! Mackmal not like pointing-at-to-be."

Calvin sighed, and looked at the ceiling.

"Raxton, let's back up, and start over."

"Mackmal not back up for anything!" Raxton snarled.

"Okay, okay." Calvin sighed. "Both of you, raise your left front foot."

For a second the Mackmals stared at Calvin. Then stared at their paws and feet.

"Got two front foots left."

"Yes, but only one left front foot." Calvin said. "You see, both of us have a left foot and a right foot. To solemnly swear something, you must raise your right front foot. But I know you guys don't know right from left or right from wrong, so I told you to raise the left one, which is wrong, knowing that you would raise the wrong one instead, which is of course the right one!"

The Mackmal's red eyes stared at Calvin.

"Right foot wrong?"

"No, the right foot is right." Calvin said. "But I know you'd make the wrong choice, so that would make the left foot right."

"Right foot left?"

"If you raised your right foot, your left foot would be left on the ground, that's right."

Raxton clubbed Calvin over the head with his right front foot.

"Malvin shut stupid mouth about foot and get on with sommenly swear!"

"Okay, fine, sorry I mentioned it!"

Calvin picked himself off from the ground.

"Repeat after me. I, Raxton the Mackmal, do solemnly swear for myself and my brother Gripton who never seems to talk, that we will not use Calvin's secret information against him."

Four empty red eyes stared at Calvin.

"Too much for remember." They said.

"OK, then just say, 'we do'."

"You do."

"Not 'You do' you dodo. WE DO!"

He clubbed Calvin over the head, again.

"Not call Mackmal a weed-dew!"

"I didn't call you a weed-dew, I called you a dodo!" Calvin yelled, picking himself up from the floor of the box.

"Uh. Dodo better than weed-dew. Mackmal not like weed, and dew make everybody wet! Mackmal not like wet."

"Great. Do we have a deal or not?"

"Uh. Got deal, good deal."

"In other words, you both solemnly swear?"

They nodded.

"Both sommenly swear."

Whew! Boy, I wasn't sure Calvin would ever get them to do it.

"Now Malvin tell secret knowledge, and pretty quick, too!"

"Alright, here's the deal." Calvin grinned, leaned over to the Mackmals, and whispered, "I know you guys can't do any damage to me, because I have an amazing box here that will whisk me away at the slightest sense of trouble! So all _I_ have to do, is..."

ZZZZZZZZT!

HUH!

Those little sneaks. Those ungrateful, worthless, idiotic little cheats!

Do you know what they did?

As soon as Calvin gave out that information, the Mackmals broke their solemnly swear, jabbed their hands into Calvin's box, and yanked out the smoking engine.

The box fell to the ground with a thump, and the Mackmals threw the engine away.

Calvin was shocked.

"HEY!" Calvin yelled. "You can't do this! You swore a solemn oath!"

"HA! Mackmal not give a hoot for solemnly oak! Mackmal berry good for cheat! Too bad for Malvin!"

Sirius turned to Calvin.

"I told you it wouldn't work." He sighed.

Calvin tried to ignore him.

"If you cheat, Raxton, then everybody in the world would call you a cheater! Is that how you want to live your life, Raxton, with everybody in the whole world pointing at you, and saying, 'Oh look he's nothing but a cheater!'?"

"Mackmal not give a hoot for whole world pointing. Mackmal not give a hoot for nothing but eat! Oh boy!"

Oh boy indeed.

Gripton and Raxton were stalking for Calvin, Hobbes, and Sirius, with wide toothy grins.

They appeared to have nothing else to say to Calvin because they started talking in hisses and whispers, again.

Calvin grabbed his MTM.

"GET BACK!" He screamed.

_Defense mode activated._

_**BOOM!**_

There was a blast of electricity, and Mackmals went flying in all directions.

Raxton hit the floor, and started screeching.

"SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"He's calling for reinforcements!" Sirius panicked. "We're dead!"

"No, we're not!" Calvin yelled, leaping out of the box. "Hobbes get the engine! And hurry, first chance you get!"

Do you know what Hobbes did then? He fainted. Worthless to the end.

Calvin muttered and grumbled, and got the engine himself.

The Mackmals continued to screech.

More screeching appeared, and the sound of running footsteps filled the hall.

Calvin put the engine back into the box, and leaped into the box.

"OK, Serious!" Calvin screamed. "The so forths are coming! Get in the box! Or you could sit here, look simple and say 'duh'."

Sirius chose number one.

He hopped into the box with Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin set the box on ESCAPE mode and they roared out of there just as the Mackmals entered the room.

Calvin turned his head, and started screaming at the Mackmals.

"HA! Take that, you morons! And furthermore, you're nothing but a bunch of weed-dews!"

The Mackmals screamed and shrieked, and tried to get Calvin's box.

But Calvin was already out of range.

But they weren't out of danger yet.

You just wait and see what happened to them, next.


	20. The Return of Stupendous Man

Meanwhile, Sally had just escaped the teachers from destroying him, and he began hopping around the castle screaming, "VOTE FOR SALLY! VOTE FOR SALLY! VOTE FOR SALLY!"

All the portraits stared at him in utter disbelieve as he hopped up and down the stairs making a moron out of himself.

And after the phrase "VOTE FOR SALLY" lost its meaning, Sally began hopping around in circles, grinning like a lunatic and yelping, "Happy! Happy! Happy! Happy! Happy!"

And if Malfoy hadn't have stuffed him up the chimney in his common room, he probably would've continued to do it.

Malfoy shoved Sally up the chimney and stormed back up into bed, growling and muttering.

Sally then somehow got out of the chimney, and went to go bug the Griffindors again.

When he reached the common room, he found it was empty.

Of course it was empty you tuna, it was three in the morning.

Sally began running around in circles with that stupid grin plastered all over his face. Oh and he was still screaming "happy".

What did you expect?

Suddenly, Sally's eyes fell on something.

It was... hmmm... it was a broom.

Uh oh.

* * *

Meanwhile, above the castle, Harry, Ron, and Hermonie were rocketing towards the Ministry of Magic.

Calvin, Hobbes, and Sirius had just emerged from the phone booth.

Calvin chuckled, and dusted himself off.

"Yes sir, no Mackmal stands a chance against the forces of the Calvin."

Hobbes and Sirius exchanged glances.

Calvin flipped several switches on the Time Machine.

"Alright." he said. "let's head back to Hogwarts, have Harry stare at Serious dramatically, have a tearful reunion, and we'll all live happily everly after."

"This is getting to dramatic, already." Hobbes said.

Meanwhile, a darkened figure, wearing a cloak, stared at the box Calvin was floating in.

It appeared to be... hmm, yes, it was a Death Eater.

In case you're not keeping notes, that's one of Voldemort's helpers.

The DE stared at Calvin, Hobbes and Sirius.

His eyes cut from side to side.

Hmm, yes, the streets appeared to be fairly empty.

No witnesses.

Oops.

Unfortunately, Calvin had no desire to hurry up and get out of that alley.

Do you know what he was doing?

He was showing his inventions off to Sirius.

"And this is the Time Pauser, and this is the Transmogrifier Gun, and this is the MTM, and this is the Mini Duplicator, and this is the..."

Before Calvin could continue, Calvin heard someone call his name.

"CALVIN!"

Calvin's eyes scanned the immediate area.

Let's see here, a trash can, a wall, a creepy looking a guy in a cloak, a broom rocketing towards him at a speed of thirty miles per hour.

Oh.

Calvin screamed, and grabbed his Time Pauser.

_**BOOM!**_

The broom froze in midair.

Calvin studied it, up and down.

"Ah, it's you."

Calvin hit the button, again.

_**BOOM!**_

The broom screeched to a stop in front of the box.

Two more brooms followed.

"Alrighty then." Calvin said. "Gang's all here. OK, I can't believe your alive, cry cry cry, tearful reunion, blah, blah, blah. Now, can we go back now? I have a stupid to torture."

Everyone stared at him.

"Uh huh." Ron said. "Since when have _you_ been heroic?"

"Well, if any of you had even bothered to see my movie trilogy, you'd see just how long I've been 'heroic' to use your exact words."

"What's a movie?" Ron asked.

"Run, old pal," Calvin said, placing a hand on Ron's shoulder. "You're beginning to sound like Sally. Alright, let's go."

"You're not going anywhere." A raspy voice hissed.

"Yes, I knew we couldn't go out of a Harry Potter story without something horrible happening." Calvin sighed, shaking his head.

At that very moment, the Death Eater leaped from the shadows, and pointed his wand at Calvin, Hobbes, and Harry.

"Well, this is certainly dramatic." Calvin said. "I suppose you're gonna kill us now, right?"

"Yep."

"You're just going to keep trying to do this, right?"

"Yep."

"This is going to go on all night?"

"Yep."

"I was afraid of that."

Calvin grabbed his Transmogrifier Gun, and pointed it at himself.

"NOT ONE STEP CLOSER!" He screamed. "ONE MORE STEP AND I'LL PULL THE TRIGGER!"

There was a long moment of silence, as every stared at Calvin as if he was some kind lunatic.

The Death Barfer chuckled, and took one more step.

"I SAW THAT!" Calvin screamed. "IT'S GOING RIGHT INTO MY RECORDS! AND I FORBID YOU TO TAKE _ONE_ MORE STEP!"

The so forth took one more step.

"KEEP WALKING PAL, YOU'RE DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE! DON'T TAKE _ONE MORE STEP!_ OR YOU'LL REGRET IT!"

He took one more step.

"OK, now you're just mocking me." Calvin muttered, gumpily.

The so forth chuckled, and took one more step.

"ALRIGHT!" Calvin screamed. "I WARNED YA! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN! AND NOW YOU SHALL PAY! **_PAY I TELL YOU!_**"

Calvin held his hand out.

"I demand twenty bucks. FASTER BUCKO, I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!"

Harry and Sirius exchanged glances.

The Death Eater took one more step.

Calvin blinked.

"Oh. So _THAT'S_ how you want to play, eh? Alright then, No more Mr nice guy!"

Calvin took his Transmogrifier Gun, and pointed it at his forehead.

"Say goodbye to Mild mannered Calvin, you creep!"

_**ZAP!**_

Calvin pulled the trigger.

A hood and cape extended from Calvin's head.

A red jumpsuit formed over Calvin's body, and a wide grin spread across his face.

"I AM **_STUPENDOUS MAN!_**" Calvin screamed leaping into the air. "FRIEND OF FREEDOM! FOE OF COMMUNISM!"

Six pairs of eyes stared at Calvin.

Calvin jabbed his fist into the air.

"**S** for _STUPENDOUS_! **T** for _TIGER,_ ferocity of! **U** for _UNDERWEAR_, red! **P** for _POWER_, Incredible! **E **for _EXCELLENT_ physique! **N** for..."

He paused.

"Huh. I can't remember the word. I'll get back to that one. **D** for _DETERMINATION!_ **U **for..."

He paused again.

"U for... huh. I can't remember that one either. **S **for _STUPENDOUS, _again! **M** for... something... **A **for something else! And **N** for... wait a minute, how do you spell this word? Is it an 'N'?"

Everyone stared at Calvin.

Then, Hobbes spoke.

"Calvin, why didn't you just turn the villain into something else?" He asked.

Calvin paused, and thought about that.

Then he spun around to Hobbes and screamed, "SILENCE FOOL! NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWERS OF **_STUPENDOUS MAN!_**"

"We're dead." Hobbes said, turning to Harry.

The Death so forth cut his eyes from side to side.

Calvin was so busy bragging about how powerful he was, that he didn't bother to pay any attention to a the villain. Plus, as an added bonus, everyone else was to busy staring at Calvin to pay the villain any notice.

Oopsies.

A wide grin spread across the bad guy's face. Although nobody could see this for the simple fact that he had a hood on.

He raised his wand.

"_TRANSPORTUS!_" He screamed.

Everyone looked up.

Uh...

There appeared to be a redish light zooming towards them.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Everyone screamed.

Ron, Hermonie, and Sirius were able to leap from the way, but the blast hit Calvin, Hobbes and Harry.

"Well, this is certainly dramatic." Hobbes said. "What else could one want?"

"Well," Calvin said, before they all vanished. "someone might try adding in demented Dementors."

ZAP!

They all vanished.

However, Calvin's box and inventions went with him.

There was a blast of electricity, and Calvin's box, Calvin, Hobbes and Harry all appeared in the middle of a graveyard.

And they appeared to be surrounded by, uh, several hooded people.

And standing in the front of the crowd there was a... well a rather tall guy that was bald, had cat like eyes, sharp fingers, slits for nostrils, and, uh, a wand.

He was grinning like a lunatic.

Uh oh.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Calvin," Hobbes whispered.

"Yes, Hobbes?" Calvin asked.

"Is that who I think it is?"

"Yes, Hobbes."

"Are we in T-R-O-U-B-L-E?"

"Y-E-S." Calvin replied.

Then, the tall bald guy with cat eyes spoke.

"Well, well, well. We have company. What an wonderful unexpected surprise. And you brought friends this time. heh, heh. Tonight will be a fun one, won't it?"

The hooded figures around Voldemort laughed.

YIKES!


	21. Calvin VS Voldemort

It was then that Calvin made his appearance.

"AH just as I suspected!" he yelled at Vodemort. "My arch enemy, doctor Vole-dee-fort! Your fiendish plan will not succeed!"

Voldemort and the other Death Eaters stared at him. Then laughed.

"You brought friends, Potter. I suppose there will be three deaths tonight." Voldemort chuckled.

"YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED!" Calvin screamed. "**_STUPENDOUS MAN_** HAS THE POWERS OF A MILLION MORTAL MEN!"

"Calvin," Hobbes whispered. "Now would be a good time to shut up."

"Quiet Hobbes, I'm on a roll." Calvin whispered.

He spun back to Voldemort.

"AND FURTHERMORE, YOU'RE MOTHERS WERE ALL A BUNCH OF UGLY TOADS! SO THERE!"

There was a moment of silence.

Hobbes slapped his forehead.

"AND WHAT'S MORE, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF _WEED-DEWS!_"

Voldemort and his followers exchanged confused glances.

Hobbes and Harry exchanged glances.

"We are deceased." Hobbes said.

Voldemort's eyes went from the bragging Calvin, to the petrified Harry, to the calmly terrified Hobbes.

"Well, this is certainly awkward." Voldemort said.

Calvin leaped into the air.

"AH HA!" He screamed. "JUST AS I THOUGHT! TOO CHICKEN TO FIGHT THE ALL MIGHTY **_STUPENDOUS MAN!_** You're under arrest, ugly! You have the right to remain silent! Anything you say, can or will be used against you in a court of law! If you..."

"Would someone please destroy him so he'll shut up, and I can think?" Voldemort demanded.

Several Death Eaters exchanged glances.

Calvin motioned for the one of them to step forward.

"Come and get me! I dare ya! Let's see how you face up to the mighty might of my **_STUPENDOUS SCREAM!_**"

One of the DE stepped forward and pulled his wand out.

Calvin chuckled.

"I can beat you with one hand behind my back!" He put one hand behind his back. "I can beat you with _BOTH _hands behind my back!" He put both hands behind his back.

Then they both waited. Waiting for the other person to make the next move.

Then, the DE got impatient, and raised his wand over his head.

"_Avada Ke..._" He wasn't able to finish the spell, however, because Calvin had took a deep breath in, and let out a terrible screech.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!_**"

Red shockwaves emitted from Calvin's mouth, and blasted the DE off his feet and back into the crowd.

Calvin continued to screech.

The DE tumbled and rolled into the crowd, and knocked them all over like bowling pins.

"FINLAND!" Calvin screamed, pumping his fists into the air.

Calvin then turned towards Voldemort, and let out the same screech.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!_**"

Voldemort gave Calvin a sharp glare and screamed, "PORTUS!"

A force field shot out of Voldemort's wand, and the shockwaves bounced off with no effect.

"So much for Calvin shutting up." Hobbes said.

Several DEs made grabs for Calvin.

Calvin spun around, drew his fist behind his head, then let it fly.

POW!

DEs went flying in all directions.

Calvin spun back to Voldemort.

"Alright, Doctor Vole-Dee-Fort! Surrender, or I'll have to start kicking buttocks! And all I can say is that when I start flinging this fist around, I can't be responsible for what happens!"

"Uh huh." Voldemort muttered.

"ALRIGHT! YOU ASK FOR IT!"

Calvin leaped into the air, and threw a wild punch at the evil wizard.

Do you think that Voldemort sent up a protective charm? Put a curse on Calvin? Used his wand at _all_?

Oh no, all he did was tilt his head to the side, and Calvin's punch missed his head.

Calvin blinked.

"So much for drama." He said.

Voldemort grabbed Calvin's fist, and flung him over his shoulder.

"YEEEK!" Calvin screamed flying into a rock.

CRASH!

Voldemort laughed.

Calvin watched the stars and checkers and little pink elephants with umbrellas circle his head.

Then his Transmogrifier Gun fell into his lap.

Calvin grabbed it, and pointed it at his head.

_**ZAP!**_

Instantly, Calvin's Stupendous man costume was gone.

There, instead, was a black strap on mask, long yellow gloves and boots, a yellow utility belt, and blue pants and a shirt with black lighting bolt streaking across the middle.

"THE MARVELOUS SPACEMAN SPIFF!" Calvin yelled, flexing his muscles.

"Once again, you could've just turned Voldemort into a bug, and we could have called it a day!" Hobbes screamed.

Calvin decided to ignore that.

He whipped out his Death Ray Blaster, and started firing it in all directions.

"Our incredible space cadet is faced off with the evil King Zorg from planet X-236!" Calvin yelled. "Our hero sets his Death Ray Blaster on medium rare, and starts firing!"

"This starting to get annoying." Voldemort muttered, blocking the blasts.

"GREAT MOONS OF NEPTUNE!" Calvin screamed. "OUR HERO'S DEATH RAY IS NO MATCH FOR KING ZORG! HE'S JUST TO BIG, AND UGLY, AND MEAN, AND A WEED-DEW, AND FAT, AND SO ON!"

Harry fainted.

At that very moment, some of the DEs recovered from Calvin's screaming, and made more dives for him.

Calvin spun around and started firing the DRB at them.

_**ZAAAAAAAAAP!**_

"YOUCH!"

That is, they all retreated.

Calvin chuckled, and blew the smoke off his gun.

"Heh, heh. Zorg's army are no match for our mighty space hero. heh."

Voldemort's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

It was then that he realized that he was dealing with no ordinary kid.

"That's it!" He screamed.

He held up his wand.

But before he could say the fatal words, Calvin pulled out a small yellow device with a red button on top.

How convenient.

_**BOOM!**_

There was a flash of white light, and a loud explosion.

"Heh, heh." Calvin chuckled.

He turned to face the enraged Voldemort frozen in time.

"Well, Moldemort." Calvin said. "You may be tough when it comes to beating up small wizards, and killing off puny kids with lightbolt logos on their foreheads, but put you in the ring with Calvin the Bold, and you're only second best!"

Calvin grabbed Voldemort's wand away, and threw it in the grass.

He then stepped on it, and pushed the button on the Time Pauser, again.

_**BOOM!**_

Voldemort looked around in confusion.

He stared at the grinning Calvin. He stared at his empty hand. He stared at the wand sitting in the grass with Calvin's foot resting on top of it.

"Why you little twerp!" Voldemort screamed, diving for Calvin.

Calvin pulled his MTM out of his backpack.

"This is so much fun." Calvin laughed, opening up the Main Menu.

_So much fun mode activated_

_**BOOOM!**_

Electricity surged out of the CD player, and engulfed Voldemort.

"AAAAA!" He screamed, tumbling backwards.

Calvin tucked the MTM away, and hopped over to Hobbes.

"OK, Hobbes.' Calvin said. "While Doctor Vole-Dee-Fort is complaining about all the injustices in the world, you wake up Mr dramatic Harry and let's get in the box!"

"Very well." Hobbes said.

He held his wand to Harry.

"_Enervate!_" he said.

Harry's eyes came into focus.

"Wha-what happened?" he asked.

"I just saved your life, Calvin is trying to defeat Vole-Dee-fort over there and your taking a nap, of all times!" Hobbes said.

"Don't get smart, Hobbes." Harry murmured.

Calvin rushed up to Voldemort who was trying to pick himself up.

"KNOW THE WRATH OF CALVIN, DOCTOR VOLE-DEE-FORT!" He screamed.

He grabbed the MTM, and sent another blast of electricity at the wizard.

ZZZZT!

"AAUGH!"

"Not so tough without your wand, eh?" Calvin chuckled.

Voldemort held out his hand.

"_Accio wand!_"

Whoops.

Voldemort's wand rose into the air, and bolted into his hands.

Calvin blinked.

"Didn't see that one coming." He said.

Voldemort pointed his wand at Calvin.

"AVADA KE..."

Do you know what happened then?

All at once, the air was filled with the sounds of insane screaming.

And this time it wasn't Calvin.

Calvin, Hobbes, Voldemort, and Harry looked around in all directions.

The screaming was getting louder.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaa_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa**aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**_"

Then everyone looked up.

There was a broom zooming straight downward.

And it was aimed at Voldemort.

CRASH!

There was a crash, and a loud explosion.

Voldemort ended up on his back, wondering why things had been so difficult for him these past seventeen years.

Calvin coughed, and sputtered, and tried to blow the smoke away.

It was then that Calvin heard a voice.

"WHEW! 75 MILES TO THE GALLON! THOSE PEOPLE AT THE GAS STATIONS ARE NO HELP THESE DAYS! I CAME UP AND THEY STARED AT ME AS IF I WERE RIDING A BROOM! THE NERVE!"

HUH?

Hadn't Calvin heard that voice somewhere?

Calvin took out his MTM, activated the fan, and blew all the smoke away.

There he revealed three things.

One, Voldemort was laying on his back, glaring at the sky.

Two, A broom was sticking straight upward from the ground.

And three...

HUH!

Calvin couldn't believe who he saw.

The cap, the red T-shirt, the blue shorts, the idiotic expression.

It was Professor Sally.

Oh boy!

_THIS _is gonna be good!


	22. Sally VS Voldemort

"Hi there Hairy Poter!" Sally screamed stupidly.

Voldemort leaped to his feet, and gave Sally a murderous glare.

Sally waddled up to Voldemort, and shook his hand.

"You must be Doctor Vole-Dee-Fort! Pleased to make your acquaintance!"

Voldemort stared at Sally as if he were insane.

Which he was.

"MY NAME IS MR SALLY!"

All at once all of Voldemort's anger was all gathered together, and was focused right onto Sally.

Voldemort held up his wand.

"_AVADA KADAVREA!_" he screamed.

The green light hit Sally right in the chest.

Can you guess what happened?

The stupid expression remained on his face.

_NOTHING HAPPENED TO HIM!_

Sally didn't move. He didn't even get a scar. Which was odd.

He was so stupid he didn't understand the Law of Death.

Moron.

Voldemort then realized what kind of nonsensical idiot Sally was.

He decided to test his intelligence.

Heh, heh, this should be good.

"Sally," Voldemort said. "What is this?"

He held up his wand.

Sally squinted his eyes and stared at the wand.

"Does my answer have to be in the form of a question?" Sally asked.

The air hissed out of Voldemort's lungs.

"No." He sighed.

"Oh, OK! Let me see here. Uh, is it a gazorninflat?"

There was a moment of silence.

"No." Voldemort said.

"Oh darn." Sally snapped his fingers. "Well, is it a pickle sandwich?"

"No."

"Denture wear?"

"It's a wand." Voldemort said. "Have you ever heard of a wand?"

Sally nodded and grinned.

"Oh sure! Wands are little soft throwy things."

"You're thinking of wads." Voldemort said.

"Nah." Sally scoffed. "Wads are little round things that hang from trees!"

"You're thinking of pods! How many times have people called you moron, idiot, or dumbbell?"

"Yeah, and if the bell was dumb where would we be right now?" Sally asked.

Voldemort stared at him.

"I mean the question. Have you ever been called a moron?"

"Oh that's a great question! Did you make it up yourself?"

"Yes, I did."

"Wow. I wish I could do that."

"Answer the question."

"Yeah, that was a really good question, I really enjoyed it."

This was getting Voldemort nowhere.

Voldemort slapped his forehead.

"Why are you called Sally?" he asked. "Isn't that a girl's name?"

"Yeah, what a great question. Where would this world be without great questions?"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP, AND ANSWER ME!" Voldemort screamed. "I WANT ANSWERS!"

"Well, why didn't you just say so!" Sally scoffed. "Here are the answers! 23. Yes. Tomorrow. And finally pumpkin pie!"

Yes, Sally had given Voldemort the answers. But the answers to what?

Voldemort's eyes rolled into the back of his head.

He knew he shouldn't loose his temper, because Sally seemed to be immune to anything Voldemort did to him.

"Very well." He said. "You gave me the answers. Now, what are the questions?"

"Well, let me think here. The first answer wad 24."

"23."

"23. so the question would be, 'what's the difference between a duck?'"

Voldemort stared at him.

"A duck and a what?" He demanded.

"That's it, just a duck."

Voldemort's eyes slammed shut.

He motioned for his helpers to move in for the kill.

Calvin, Hobbes, and Harry continued to watch.

"The second answer was yes." Voldemort said. "What's the question?"

"Am I a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really cheerily maker person?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Fine. What was Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow? Oh yeah, That was the best question of 'em all!"

He winked at Voldemort.

"When will Happy Snails Junior save the day?"

Voldemort tried the torture curse to see what would happen.

Didn't do much good, actually.

"Fine then. What was the last answer?"

"Pumpkin pie?"

"Yes!"

"Oh OK. Pumpkin pie, question... uh... what's the answer to The Idiot Riddle of Life?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Pumpkin pie?" Voldemort asked.

Sally licked his chops and grinned.

"Yes siree, not only is it high in carbohydrates, but it supplies your daily need for really, really jumpy stuff!"

Before The Death Eaters attacked Sally, Calvin got an idea.

"Sally!" Calvin sang. "Were you aware that everyone around you holding wands are _actually_ pumpkin pies in disguise!"

Harry and Hobbes immediately dropped their wands, where they landed in the grass.

Not a bad idea.

Sally blinked.

He stared at Voldemort's wand.

He stared at all the Death Eaters around him all of which were holding wands.

A wide stupid grin spread across his face, and he started drooling.

Voldemort and his helpers all exchanged glances.

"I'll bet Dumbledore hired a moron on _purpose_." One of the Death Eaters moaned.

Sally started bouncing happily around in circles.

Then, and you wont believe this, Sally pounced right into the middle of Voldemort sending his wand flying.

He then attempted to _eat_ Voldemort.

I'm not kidding!

Sally actually took salt, pepper and ketchup out of his pockets, and he began pouring it all on top of the evil wizard!

After sprinkling salt on his hand, Sally took a huge bite.

"YEEEE-OUCH!"

Then Sally started pouring ketchup on Voldemort's head.

While Voldemort tried to get all the mustard and mayo out of his eyes, Sally bit and chewed Voldemort wherever he could reach.

"SALLY THERE'S A DEATH... I mean, A PUMPKIN PIE BEHIND YOU!" Harry screamed.

Sally leaped to his feet, spun around, and squirted mustard into the Death Eater's cloak.

He acquired a very serious face, and snarled, "_TIME TO EAT!_"

And with that, food condiments began flying in all directions.

Calvin pulled out popcorn from his MTM, and all three of them sat in the box watching Sally take stupidity to a new level.

Sally began chewing on everyone in the field.

He attempted to get one of them between two pieces of bread.

When that didn't work, he threw the bread away, and poured on more mayo instead.

This went on for several minutes.

Finally, Calvin bored of seeing Sally doing what the most powerful wizard couldn't accomplish, and screamed, "HEY! SALLY! THERE'S A GIANT PIE IN HERE WITH A PUMPKIN STICKING OUT OF IT!"

Sally's head shot up.

He threw Voldemort's arm away, and bounded for the Time Machine leaving a trail of drool behind him.

Sally leaped into the Time Machine.

"What's a pumpkin!" He yelled, happily.

Calvin stared at Sally.

He decided to say nothing.

He started the machine up.

Voldemort lifted himself from the ground, and screamed, "NO!"

Calvin turned a vicious grin onto Voldemort.

"THERE YA ARE, MOLDY! AND THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM! AND DON'T FORGET THAT YOU'RE ALL NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF WEED-DEWS!"

And with that Calvin blasted away.

"Very well, Potter." Voldemort snarled. "You've defeated me. _but you've forgotten my pets!_"

Voldemort turned and started screeching.

"SCREEAAAAAAA!"

Immediately, Raxton and Gripton and over a million other Mackmals slowly rose from the ground and started screeching.

"DESTROY THEM!" Voldemort screeched. "DON'T LET THEM ESCAPE!"

The Mackmals, who could fly, flew after the box.

Voldemort glared after them.

"We will meet again, Potter." he growled. "You are never safe from me."

* * *

"Alrighty then!" Calvin grinned. "Evil wizard defeated. Moron recaptured, kid with trademark lightning bolt scar on forehead saved. I'd say we could call it a day."

"You never did turn Voldemort into a bug like I asked you to." Hobbes said.

"Yeah, well, we beat him anyway." Calvin said.

"Goo goo fountain of boogers." Sally grinned.

"Shut up, or I throw you overboard." Calvin warned.

Hobbes looked over his shoulder.

"Um, Calvin?" He asked.

"Mmmm, yes Hobbes?"

"Were you aware that we are being chased by deranged creatures?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Of course I knew, you tuna!" Calvin yelled.

Harry screamed as the Mackmals got closer.

Calvin pushed the escape mode, and they began to gain speed.

Raxton and Gripton were at the front of the mob, grinning like lunatics.

"Ah ha!" Raxton shrieked. "Now Malvin pay for big insult! In berry big trouble, now! Too bad for Malvin! Now we eat, OH BOY!"

Calvin leaned forward and tried to get the Time Machine go faster.

Then, an idea struck him.

A wide sinister grin spread across his face.

Hobbes spotted it.

He turned to the audience.

"People!" He yelled. "check the author's profile! Make sure this isn't our last story!"

Calvin jerked the wheel to the left, and roared towards Hogwarts.

Just wait until you see what Calvin had in mind.

_Swing123: One more chapter left until the end! I'll post it when ten reviews are submitted to the story._


	23. The Solution Book

Calvin rocketed towards Hogwarts.

He zoomed across the grounds, with the magical creatures right on his tail.

Calvin started twisting the wheel to the left.

The machine started turning in a large circle.

They were circling the castle.

Calvin hit full throttle, and was able to stay a good yard away from the ever approaching creatures.

"Alright." Calvin said, turning to the crowd in front of him. "We can either sit here, and wait for the machine to run out of gas, or leap out of the machine and make a run for the castle. Which one's it gonna be?"

Everyone stared at him.

"Very well, we can leave." Calvin said. "However, I may want to get my inventions packed up."

Calvin piled his inventions into his Hypercube.

He slipped the Hypercube into his pocket.

"Let us be off!" Calvin yelled.

Calvin reached into his pocket, and grabbed his Time Pauser.

Hobbes took hold of Calvin, and Harry took hold of Hobbes.

Harry had to grab Sally so he'd fall into Time Stop too.

_**BOOM!**_

The box froze. So did everything behind it.

Calvin calmly climbed out of the box. Everybody else followed.

Except Sally that is, who had to be dragged out.

Everyone hid in some weeds, and Calvin started time back up, again.

_**BOOM!**_

The box bolted past Calvin. So did the other creatures who assumed they were all still in the box.

"Come on!" Calvin yelled. "We have one minute before the Time Machine passes by here, again!"

Calvin, Hobbes, Harry, and Sally raced across the ground.

And Sally only came, because Calvin told him that doorknobs were involved.

Calvin and Hobbes zoomed into the castle as the box zoomed past them, again.

"We have to find Double door, and tell him he his yard has been invaded by aliens." Calvin said. "Now then, where is Doubley's office?"

"I know!" Panted Harry. "Come on!"

Harry lead everyone up the stone staircase to the gargoyle sitting between them and the door.

"Sherbert lemon." Harry panted.

The gargoyle leapt from the way, and revealed the staircase up to Dombledore's office.

Harry, Calvin and Hobbes raced up the stairs.

Sally stood there, looking simple.

When they reached the office they found it was empty.

"Oh no!" Harry yelled. "He's not here!"

"News flash."

"He's at a meeting in the Great Hall!"

Calvin and Hobbes and Harry raced down the stairs, zoomed past the drooling Sally, and bolted towards the Great Hall.

Sally watched them go.

"I wasn't aware that grey things had arms." He babbled.

No comment.

* * *

They all burst into the Great Hall, taking the teachers by surprise. 

"HUH!" McGonnagal yelled. "But you had..."

"Because!" Calvin screamed. "GET OUTSIDE! AND BRING WAND! **_AND HURRY FIRST CHANCE YOU GET!_**"

Everyone stared at him.

"What?" Snape asked.

Calvin sighed, and slapped his head.

"Let's just leave it at the word MACKMAL." He said.

The teachers all leaped to their feet, and followed Calvin and Hobbes to the front door.

"There ya go." Calvin said. "Have fun with them."

"You brought _MACKMALS _onto the school grounds!" McGonnagal screamed.

"Yup." Calvin grinned. "Are you proud of me?"

All the teachers slapped their foreheads.

But then, Raxton and Gripton spotted Calvin.

"AH HA!" Raxton screamed. "Got dumby wizard cornered, ho ho!"

The Mackmals started to move in.

Calvin gave them a friendly wave.

"Hi, guys? How's the family?"

They stopped, and stared at him.

"Family hungry." Raxton snarled.

"Uh huh." Calvin said, tapping his chin. "And how's ths kids?"

"Kids hungry!"

"Mm-hmmm." Calvin said, studying his fingernails. "And how are you doing?"

"Hungry."

"Fascinating." Calvin said. "Well, guys, I hate to tell you this, but I know more secret knowledge, that you don't know."

The Mackmals stared at Calvin, and began laughing.

"HA! Mackmal not believe this time!"

"Oh yeah?" Calvin asked, raising an eyebrow. "What if I'm right?"

"Mackmal not care."

At that very moment McGonnagal stepped in.

"_ALARIOUS!_" She screamed.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

The Mackmals screeched, as a blast of electricity hit them both in the chest.

Calvin pointed his finger, and laughed at them.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... GASP!...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Take that you Weed-Dews!"

After the teachers had warded off all the Mackmals

, it took them fifteen minutes, then, they all turned sharp glares on Calvin.

Calvin looked around.

"Uh, Would now be a good time to discuss the brotherhood of all humans, and human like creatures?" He asked, nervously.

He looked behind his shoulder.

Guess what?

Hobbes and Harry and vanished.

Calvin gulped, and turned back to his fate.

* * *

Later, that morning, Calvin was in the Common room, shoving all his stuff into his Hypercube. 

Hobbes walked up.

"Guess what, Calvin?" Hobbes asked. "We explained to all the teachers on how you saved Harry from he-whose-name-is-very-hard-to-pronounce. They were so happy that you weren't just being stupid that they made a full apology."

"That's great, Hobbes." Calvin growled. "Don't you think that story would've come in more handy_ **BEFORE THEY EXPELLED ME!**_"

"I guess so." Hobbes said.

Calvin shoved the last item into his Hypercube.

Harry, Ron, and Hermonie walked up.

"Calvin," Harry said. "I wanted to thank you for finding Sirius for me."

Calvin looked up.

"What? Oh yeah, sure thing."

"I never would've found him without you."

"Uh huh."

"And we wanted to give you a token of our appreciation." Hermonie said.

"Oh BOY!" Calvin yelled, leaping up. "Now this is more like it! A gift!"

Ron handed Calvin a book.

"What's this thing?" He asked.

"It's a Solution Book." Hermonie said. "Whenever you have a problem, just open the book, and it'll give you an answer."

"HOT DOG!" Calvin screamed, grabbing the book away. "Gee whiz, this is working out better than I thought!"

Calvin piled the book into his Hypercube.

"Alright, Hobbes, let's go."

Calvin took his cloak off, revealing his trademark red T-shirt and black pants.

Calvin dropped the cloak on the ground, and he and Hobbes climbed into the Time Machine.

"OK!" Calvin said, as Hobbes climbed in. "If ya see Merlin tell him hi!"

Calvin hit the thrusters, and rocketed out of he window.

Harry, Ron, and Hermonie waved goodbye to their heros.

"Who's Merlin?" Ron asked.

Before Harry or Hermonie could answer a terrible screaming echoed throughout the castle.

"FIRE! WHERE'S A FIRE! FIRE ALERT! FIRE ALERT! SPIT ON THE FIRE, AND PUT OUT THE GALLOPING FLAMES!"

"I said, we're _firing_ you, Sally." Said another cold voice.

"FIRE!"

Sally exploded into the Common Room, and screamed.

"HANDS UP! THERE'S A FIRE!"

Sally ran over to Ron and tried to perform what he called, the "high lick thingy".

McGonnagal burst into the common room.

"SALLY!" She screamed. "Get away from the students!"

"FIRE! THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO!"

He took dead aim at the wall.

"RETREAT!" He screamed.

He started pumping his legs and went roaring for the brick wall.

Guess what happened.

CRASH!

Harry, Ron, Hermonie, and McGonnagal stared at Sally, banging his head against the wall.

"Well, at least Calvin's not here to torture him and make it worse." Ron said.

Heh, heh. Calvin was far from done torturing Sally.

Sally began running around in cricles.

He stepped on a net that Calvin had placed on the rug.

TWANG!

"YAAAAH!" He screamed, struggling against the net. "THE EVIL MR BLUEBIRD HAS ME TRAPPED! HE-ULP! HE-ULP!"

As an added bonus Calvin put an electrocution charm on the net.

ZZZZZT!

"YEEK! MR BLUEBIRD IS PECKING ME! PECKING ME! BACK! BACK!"

You think Calvin had stopped there?

Nope.

The next horrible thing his did was that he had the net attached to the ceiling fan. And the ceiling fan was attached to the ceiling by one puny thread.

The thread snapped.

First Sally crashed to the floor. Then the fan fell on top of him. Then part of the ceiling fell onto him. Then a stuffed bluebird doll fell on top of all that.

Sally exploded from the wreckage, screamed like a deranged Mackmal, and flew out of the castle, all the time screaming his head off about Mr Bluebird coming to haunt him, or some such nonsense.

Harry, Ron, and Hermonie watched.

"Ya know." Ron said. "He was the first Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher that didn't have something dreadfully horrible happen to him."

"Yeah, but it was the same year Calvin was here." Hermonie said.

"I stand corrected." Ron said.

McGonnagal rolled her eyes, and left.

Harry, Ron, and Hermonie watched Sally run around in circles screaming his head off.

Harry thought he would never see Sally again.

Heh, heh.

The stupidity of Sally was just _beginning_!

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes rocketed home. 

When they reached the house in America, Calvin bolted into his front window.

They found the duplicates playing cards.

"What are we gonna do with them?" Hobbes asked.

"I dunno." Calvin said, rubbing his chin. "Let's just put them in the Duplicator, and delete them."

"Obvious."

Calvin had to deal with a whole bunch of screaming, but they finally undid the duplicates.

After Calvin and Hobbes got rid of the clones, Calvin wiped sweat from his brow, and sat down on his bed.

"What an adventure, huh buddy?" Calvin asked.

"Uh huh."

"We learned magic, we saved some godfather, got attacked by Mackmals. WOW!"

"Uh."

"Almost makes our other adventures seem tame."

"Uh."

"Well, nighty night, Hobbes."

"It's still morning."

Too late, Calvin was already asleep.

"Huh boy." Hobbes sighed, shaking his head.

Calvin was dreaming about his experience at Hogwarts.

Plus he was complaining about how on Earth could someone _name_ that place after a Hog's warts?

Well it was a wonderful dream to say the most.

Suddenly, his eyes drifted open.

He yawned, and sat up.

The dream he had was wonderful and... math homework?

Calvin was sitting at his desk.

Holding a pencil.

Staring down at a math homework sheet.

But he was in his bed. How could he...

Calvin looked at the calender.

August 3rd.

Uhhhh...

Calvin hadn't _dreamed_ his experience at Hogwarts.

Had he?

"HOBBES!" Calvin called. "OH HOBBES!"

Hobbes came into Calvin's room.

"Si'?" He asked.

"Quick Hobbes!" Calvin yelled. "Did we go on a terrible horrible adventure where we went to a school, learned magic, met Harry Potter, beat up insane teachers, saved some guy with a bad hairdo, and fought Voldemort?"

Hobbes stared at Calvin.

"Calvin, you really should stop putting all that sugar on that cereal." He said, finally.

And with that, he left the room.

Calvin's eyes drifted back down to his math homework.

_Had_ he dreamed it? It had seemed pretty real to _him!_

Calvin stared at his math homework for a long time, trying to figure out what had happened.

It was then that he spotted a small book on his desk.

He picked it up and stared at it.

**The Solution Book**

HUH!

Calvin stared at the book in his hands.

A wide grin spread across his face.

He didn't know what had happened, but he knew that he had helped someone.

He put his Solution Book down, and finished up his math homework.

Then he ate all his Mom's food without gagging once. And he was a perfect angel for the rest of his life.

Yeah right.

That's a slight exaggeration.

Calvin did, in fact, gag on his mother's cooking, and he wasn't a perfect angel for the rest of his life.

But it's the thought that counts, right?

Never mind.

Let's just say that Calvin was happy and content about the state of the world.

Until that is, that Miss Wormwood gave him a D minus for getting answers wrong, and for doodling on the sides of the paper.

Oh forget it.

* * *

That night, while Calvin was in bed, a white snowy owl sat on Calvin's mailbox, and watched Calvin sleep. 

Calvin's eye opened a crack, and he stared out at the owl.

It tilted its head, and stared at Calvin with its big owl eyes.

It winked at him.

He grinned, and waved.

"Tell Harry, I said goodnight." He whispered.

And with that, he closed the drapes, to get a well deserved night's rest.

**The End

* * *

**

_Swing123: Many of you offered suggestions for the story, such as Calvin and Hobbes going to Hogsmede, and more insanity._

_These suggestions were not put in this story. However, In the future, I may make a sequel to this story and include more Sally, and your suggestions._

_However, don't expect this sequel any time soon. I had such a hard time keeping this story going, I'm probably not going to make any more Harry Potter stories in the near future. But I _do_ plan to make a sequel someday, and it will be posted on the site when I have other stories completed, and when the story itself is done, so there won't be any long pauses between chapters._

_I hope you have enjoyed my Calvin and Hobbes/Harry Potter crossover_ _and that you will join me again when I write CALVIN AND HOBBES GO TO HOGWARTS II._

_Thank you for reading._


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